Let's get down to it. Let's talk about the goddamn low FODMAP diet. The diet I love to hate and hate to love. To refresh your memory, I was pooping my life away when the GI doc told me about this diet. I can't give it to you in a nutshell (so complicated) and there are other places where you'll get all the super specific and scientific information, but I'm going to give you the dumbed down, easy version.
I use Pixabay for my pictures and when I searched 'easy' this picture of carrots came up. Huh?? Good news, though! You can eat unlimited carrots on the low FODMAP diet.
FODMAP stands for Fermentable Oligosaccharides, Disaccharides, Monosaccharides, and Polyols. Short chain carboyhydrates, sugars, blah, blah, blah, scientific stuff, shitty digestion, blah, blah, more scientific stuff. It doesn't really matter what the fuck FODMAP stands for because nobody cares. That's not entirely true, but it is a mouthful. It makes you look super scientific when you talk about it though, which may stop well meaning people from telling you that you just need more bone broth and kale in your life. Hahaha, no it won't. I will say that I have learned a ton about digestion and the more you know, the better care you can get because you can have a conversation with your doctor that involves more than yelling "What the fuck is wrong with me? Fix it! Fix it!"
This is about my level of scientist. Wearing gloves that don't fit, no safety glasses and pouring random blue liquid from one container to the next. Ahhh, science.
Fermentable Oligosaccharides - This has two categories - fructans and galactins. Sounds like a science fiction thing, but really it's just things like garlic and onion, beans and wheat. Oh - and nectarines, peaches and watermelon. And some other shit, but you can google it. I'm not here to list every food you can have what amount you can have, there's an app for that.
Garlic and onion are by far the hardest in this category. Garlic and onion are pretty much staples in seasoning for most folks and also found in almost all savory pre-packaged foods. I do feel better about not using ever since we went to a fancy French food store at Pike Place Market and they told me that garlic was a "cheap flavor enhancer". So now, it's not that I can't digest garlic and onion, it's that I'm too good for your cheap ass flavor enhancer. I do have helpful tips on how to cook without these two things (hahahaha...as if I cook! I will tell you what the husband does to the food.) but that's for another post.
Non - garleek eez for peepel viz bad taste. You, ma cher, are better zan zat!
Disaccharides - This seems to be a giant scientific term 'things with lactose'. That would be most dairy foods. The good news is that hard cheeses and butter don't have enough lactose to count AND they make lactose free everything these days. You have to shop at Whole Foods or PCC and plan on taking out a home equity loan for a tub of cream cheese, but it's totally worth it.
Monosaccharides - Fructose. Good ol' fruit sugar. Say goodbye to apples, apricots, cherries, pears, figs and mangoes. Kiss your honey goodbye(not that honey, the honey for your tea) and check lables for Agave Nectar and high fructose corn syrup (which is also in so many things. Like Ritz Crackers. Why, Ritz? Was butter not enough? You needed to add HFCS??). The good news is that you can have regular sugars. This will make your healthy friends and your healthy self sneer at you, but you can give them the finger. Sugar's all you get, so snort that shit right up your nose if you need to. **disclaimer - I am not a doctor and sugar is fucking terrible for you. You may be better off snorting cocaine. I think it's a toss up.
So bad. So good. So bad. So good. Really, it's just bad, but so is bingeing on Netlflix and we all do that too.
Polyols - Apples, cherries and nectarines are also in this category. Yeah, did I not mention that numerous foods show up in multiple categories? This is to fuck your shit up when you try to move out of the elimination phase and into the 'adding things back in' phase. Polyols also include mushrooms, but those are gross anyway, so no biggie. Additives like sorbitol, mannitol and crap they put in candy and gum also falls into this category. No more junk food for you. Just sugar by the bucketful with some cocoa powder and lactose free ice cream. That's called a goddamn chocolate milkshake and you can have that!
The folks at Monash University are really the FODMAP gurus, so I'm going to recommend you get your ass over there if you want to learn more about this diet or start the elimination phase. This diet is best done in conjuction with a doctor or a dietician, but if you live in the middle of nowhere or you don't have insurance and you need help RIGHT NOW, you do what we all do. Visit Dr. Google and get to work. **disclaimer - I want to point out again, that I'm not a doctor and none of the bullshit that spews from my mouth should ever be construed as medical advice.
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