Friday, July 24, 2015

Hey Coach!

So, I have some news..

I also have a nice formal letter about the whole deal.  But I feel like I would terrify my blog readers if I suddenly showed up with an education.  I mean, what would happen if I used proper punctuation, grammar AND I stopped cussing?  Right.  Probably nothing.  Except that nobody would read it, they would do what I do with everything.  SKIM!  And I don't want you to miss anything.  So I'm gonna break it down short and sweet, with pictures and swearing.  So you can read EVERY WORD.

Last year, I had a good job.
This is me sitting at home, working on cool pet food projects.  Only my fingernails and toenails didn't look that good.  And I was usually wearing pajamas.

But it didn't really work for me.  I felt lonely and unfulfilled and wanted to do something more.  So I quit.

I didn't have to stand in any line, thanks to my darling husband and his steady employment.  Also, I currently can't eat donuts, coffee or soup so I would have had to go stand in the "No Wheat, No Dairy, No Garlic, No Onion, Here's Some Twigs and Grass" line.

After much thought, teeth gnashing, wine drinking and private coaching sessions, I made the decision to pursue a career in coaching.

Did you even know I played basketball?  Haa!  Not THAT kind of coaching.  Life Coaching!!  Can you believe it?  LIFE COACHING!!!!!

This is what I think about when I think about life coaching.  It's why I haven't said much about it.  I'm coming to terms with my new career.  It is a bit woo-woo, but it's also very grounded and practical.  I refuse to wear patchouli, crystals or caftans so I think I'll be okay.  

When I googled images of "Life Coach" (with license permissions) this was the first one to show up.  I believe I will probably be channeling Samuel Jackson when I coach.  I will say things like "What the FUCK did you expect would FUCKING happen if you kept talking the talk but NOT WALKING THE GODDAMN WALK MOTHERFUCKER?!"  

I was looking for 'right life' pictures and this showed up.  If you're looking for your 'right life' or a cute swimming pool with a lifeguard, a slide and no other people in it (this feels 'right' for me this summer!!!), you should contact me.

I'm currently finishing up my training and getting certified.  I'm working with an incredible team of coaches through Martha Beck Inc.  Martha Beck is the OG of Life Coaches.  Yes, I just called her the Original Gangster of Life Coaches.  This is how you can tell I'm white.  There is a picture of Aaron Eckhart because when you google for images labeled for reuse of Martha Beck life coach, he's who comes up.  I love the internet.

Martha Beck has coached Oprah Winfrey and now is a regular contributor to her magazine.  This makes her totally legit because Oprah knows everything.  Which Oprah would totally deny, but just proves my point.

So, if you're feeling like this about your life, your job, your relationship, whatever it is.....

And you want to feel like this (because who doesn't want to feel like a magical pink unicorn shooting rainbows out of it's head), you should contact me.

For a limited time, I will be offering coaching sessions for only $10 a session.  I need hours for my certification and I want to help ALL THE PEOPLE so get in touch with me right away if you want to get in on this sweet deal.  Sessions are done over the phone or Skype (we can use video or not if you don't want to shower or get dressed...please no naked Skype calls.  I'm just not that liberated yet.) so you don't even need to leave the comfort of your own home!  Awesome, right?

So that's the haps.  My contact info is or give me a call at 206 841 3469.  Oh fuck, I'm going to have to create an outgoing message aren't I? Sigh.  Anonymous voice mail years are coming to a close.  I'm going to go pour myself a glass of wine and do some recording.