Monday, March 30, 2015

Kids and Balls

Oh so many directions I could go with a title like this.  It could be an inspirational post about how kids, with their lack of social self talk, have bigger balls than most grown men.   Sorry for the disturbing visual.  Don't worry, it will get more disturbing from here.  This is just the warm up and your chance to quit reading.  Seriously, this may get disturbing AND personal.  But it's funny, so I'm gonna share anyway.  This is a NSFW and a not safe for family post.  Mom.  Grandma.  Stop reading.

Let's set the scene first.  Dave and I are in the front seat of the car. I need you to remember that Dave is 50 years old.  This is important for the whole  gross joke.  I won't point it out again, so if you miss it, it's your own damn fault.

Turtle is in the back seat.  She's telling us all about this game at school called Wall Ball.  First she tells us about all the different Wall Ball throws.  There's things called Roofies and Cherry Bombs. My mind immediately goes somewhere else (Duh.  I was an 80's teenager.) but Turtle explains about Roofies being when the ball hits the roof and so on.

We  are headed back from Target, where Turtle picked out a new Wall Ball ball because she got such a good report card (yeah Turtle!).

Turtle is  sitting with her ball on her lap.  At the stoplight I look back at her to give her one of those "I'm so proud of you and aren't I a good mom for buying you a present?" smiles.  She is licking her ball.

"What are you doing?"

"Licking my ball.  It's my way of marking it."


"Moooomm, all the kids lick their balls."

Dave snickers and I bite the inside of my lip.  He decides to venture in to the conversation.

"So, all the kids lick all the balls?"

Turtle huffs.  "Of course not.  We only lick our own balls."

More snickering and biting of inside cheeks ensues.  We both have a few un-shed tears that we are attempting to hold back.  Then Turtle goes on.

"We lick our balls to mark them as ours.  Nobody licks the school balls.  That's disgusting."

"Why is that disgusting?"  I ask.  Okay, I more breathe the question because I'm trying not to laugh.  Dave is pinching the bridge of his nose to keep the tears of laughter in check.

"Because,"  drawls Turtle.  "Those balls are like 50 years old and nobody wants to lick 50 year old balls.  That's just gross."

I turn to Dave and smirk.  If I could raise one eyebrow, I totally would have.

"Did you hear that Dave?  Nobody wants to lick 50 year old balls."

And then we exploded into laughter while Turtle yelled "What's so funny?  What?  What!?"

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