Lay Down Your Weapons

The Report Card

2012-01-30T19:35:00.001-08:00

This is Turtle's first year of kindergarten. Now that I've typed that sentence, I realize how dumb that is. It's not like college where you put in four years. There is ONLY one year of kindergarten. Sigh. Just when I got used to relating about baby stuff and preschool, Turtle goes and grows up and goes to kindergarten. After this will be a whole new set of terms about grade school and homework and why I won't let her date until at least third grade.
Today Turtle brought home her first report card. First of all, I think the fact that they no longer do A-F grades SUCKS ASS. Why did they change it? Why? Why? Now there is a number scale from 1-4. One meaning you aren't even trying and your teacher thinks you're lame and four meaning you have bribed the teacher with Starbucks cards. It just doesn't sound as cool tosay that Turtle scored 4s on a whole bunch of stuff. Ooooh, 4s. They could have at least gone from 1-10 so that the kids who got 10s would be like 'IN YOUR FACE ALL YOU PEOPLE SCORING TWOS!'. But school these days is not about competition. And, at least in kindergarten, it's not about academics either. This is evidenced by Turtle's report card, in which she scored all 3.5s and 4s for Math, Science, Reading etc. etc. but only scored 2.5 for Working with Other's and Work Ethic.
I laughed out loud. Work ethic?? Work ethic!! It's kindergarten. What the fuck kind of work ethic should a five year old have? I suppose the little troopers that scored 4's in work ethic probably also make their beds, eat all their vegetables and are ready to go work the line in China making iphones. Turtle however, doesn't always want to draw a picture of something with the letter U. She doesn't see the point. She can already draw, she already knows what an umbrella looks like and isn't that interested in making sure that her umbrella uses multiple colors and has more detail. Yes, she got a note that said she needs to use colors and more detail. Of course, her kindergarten teacher didn't see the attention to detail that Turtle made on a drawing the other day that she brought home. It was wrapped up tight in her folder so her kindergarten teacher couldn't see it.
'What's this?' I asked as I pulled it out.
'Oh, that's a secret. I couldn't show it to Ms. Kindergarten Teacher.'
'Can I look at it?'
Turtle shrugged as I pulled the paper out. There was a drawing. A VERY detailed drawing. Ms. KT would have been proud of the amount of detail in this drawing. There was a number 1 and a number 2 next to each picture. Picture one was of a person falling off a bridge. Behind the person falling was a little person with a big smile. Picture two was a picture of a mug with an X on it and a person lying next to it, covered in blood.
'Wow, what're these?'
'Oh, those are my plans to kill Ms. KT' Turtle mentioned casually.
'What? You plan to kill her?'
'Yeah' said Turtle 'I was really mad. So I made this secret plan. The first one is me pushing her off a bridge and if that doesn't work, I came up with a backup plan to poison her coffee. See? The X is for poison.'
'Huh. Nice attention to detail.'
'Thanks, Mommy.'
Now I just need to direct her homicidal tendencies to some worthwhile activity like working for the FBI and being a sniper. And maybe send her teacher a copy of the plans so she can change that whole work ethic grade. My baby's got a work ethic alright, it just may not be the kind of work they're looking for at the elementary school.

I will cut you.

p.s. don't worry, Turtle and I had serious discussion about killing people and why it's not good. Also, I took an online quiz for 'Is Your Child a Serial Killer' and we only scored 4 out of 10 so I think we're safe. And if she is a serial killer, I totally blame her dad.

Too Old For Rock and Roll

2012-01-30T19:02:00.000-08:00

I am changing my background from black and white to something more reader friendly. Because I am old and I have old eyeballs that wobble when I try to read my own blog. Is it weird that I'm reading my own blog? Probably. But I was looking to see if I have reference Turtle and my fears about her becoming a serial killer. 'Cause she got her report card and we need to talk about it. After I get done changing the color on this sucker.

New Year's Prediction Ride

2012-01-03T14:33:00.000-08:00

I read somewhere that the first ride of the year sets the tone for your year. This better not be true. My first ride of the year was a hot mess with the pony getting stickier and stickier. Then I went out to the barn yesterday and couldn't even get up the nerve to ride. I brushed the pony and went home. Today I was determined to ride and I did. For five minutes we slogged around and before I could even get a decent trot out of her, the princess decided she was done. She stopped moving. I used my legs. Kick. The whip. Kick, buck. Argh! Lucky for me, L was right there. Her partner (also an L, dammit....this whole anonymous trainer thing isn't really working out very well) was riding a GIANT bay horse and yelled across the arena "C'mere and hop on this horse and ride while I put your pony in side reins and teach her some forward to contact."

I blinked at her. "Ride that horse? He's huge." I'm not kidding about the huge. He was at least 16.3 and a massive warmblood. "Uh......"

She laughed. "He's huge but he goes forward. He's totally safe. We put beginners on him."

Okay. I may be a chicken, but I'm not a beginner and I'm not going to let a giant, beginner's horse intimidate me. So I handed her the cranky pony and got on the massive bay. I asked him to trot. Oh, hey core muscles, you might want to help out here. He had a lofty trot that made posting athletic but somehow easier. We flew around the arena. I got to ride in the corner next to the goat's pen where Tessa doesn't go. We did twenty meter circles with ease. Linda was having a discussion with the Princess that involved some head tossing and some crankiness, but every time I flew by them the pony seemed to be going forward.

"Canter him." Linda said as I flew by. "But from the walk. He's forward and it'll be a bigger canter but he's easy."

I took a deep breath. I fidgeted my way down the long side, building my courage. In the corner I sat deep, moved my outside leg back and pressed. The big bay leapt into a ground covering canter. We took the long side in four strides.

"Balance him." Linda yelled, while snapping the lunge whip at the Princess.

I sat deeper in the saddle, took some contact and thought about lifting his back up underneath me. It worked. It worked! We were balanced and cantering and forward and Oh!Oh! I'm not nearly as bad a rider as I think! I sat down and thought walk and he came right back underneath me, swinging his back and stepping softly underneath me.

"Okay, now come get back on your pony." She still had Tess attached to the lunge line. I climbed back aboard (no mounting block needed for the pony) and asked for forward. Immediately, Tess pinned her ears and swished her tail. I tapped her with the whip and she kicked out, threatening to buck.

"I'm going to make her go forward, so be ready for her to really go forward." Linda lifted the lunge whip and smartly tapped Tessa's side. I grabbed a handful of mane and we were off. Wow! A forward trot. A very speedy forward trot! I could work with this trot. We could get contact.

'Now ask for canter." Linda still had the lunge whip in one hand and the lunge line in the other. I sat down and cued for canter. Tess pinned her ears, swished her tail and bucked. Linda tapped her with the lunge whip and Tess took off at a frantic canter. In response I raised my hands and felt my hands, arms and shoulders turn to iron bars.

"Relax your hands." Linda admonished, "She can't go forward if you're pulling her back with all that tension. Just sit down, relax everything and keep the contact steady. Let her go forward INTO the contact."

Sure enough, two strides later we had a lovely, forward relaxed canter. It was time to unclip the lunge line.

At this point, I'd love to end my story with "And everything was wonderful and we all lived happily ever after." but that's not what happened. My pony is a smart pony and as soon as Linda was out of range, she decided that she didn't need to go forward. She stopped dead and kicked out. So, Linda came after her with a lunge whip, which meant me grabbing more rein and trying not to give her conflicting cues.

Linda pointed out that I need to start on the ground with being in charge. That her kicking out and bucking at my leg and my whip are things that start when she pins her ears on the ground and swishes her tail when I brush her. I just can't seem to find the spot where I'm a benevolent dictator. So, I'm just going to make sure to take this project one day at a time. And maybe I'll count the brief forward moments of our ride on the lunge line today as my New Year's Prediction Ride. I predict, one way or another, I will find the gas pedal on this pony and I will find my way around being her leader.

2011 in Random Pictures

2012-01-02T09:40:00.001-08:00

At some point in 2011, I cleaned off the pictures from my computer and put them somewhere for safe keeping. Yeah, I lost them. So I managed to steal some from my Facebook. But I had an awesome idea for my pictures. I take REALLY bad pictures of myself and of Turtle and I was going to post a year in review of awful pictures. Damn! If I find the pictures again I will do that. Because bad pictures make me laugh.

January 2011 - the very first day. At a cabin on Orcas Island with friends.

February 2011 - Wig Party because I'm contemplating changing my hair color.

March 2011 - I get my two front teeth knocked out by a horse. Dave provides an ice cream buffet.

April 2011 - We visit more ponies and find a place called Sweet Mona's that sells chocolates.

May 2011 - We buy a horse and Turtle turns 5.

June 2011- Wedding! Aren't the bride and groom gorgeous?!

July 2011 - Fireworks from the boat!

August 2011- Another wedding, with a photobooth and fun hats!

Sept 2011- Turtle starts kindergarten and I find these photos she's taken on the camera. I have no words for this photo.

October 2011- I celebrate turning 40 with a barn dance party. I also have brown hair by now, in case you didn't notice. Yeah for brunette!

November 2011- I push Charlotte down the stairs in a cardboard box. The box does not hold up and the camera can't capture the awesome look on her face as she catapults down the stairs.

December 2011- Charlotte designs and builds an Arabian castle gingerbread house which we subsequently destroy on New Year's Day.

Happy New Year to everyone. I'm really excied about 2012!!

Forty is NOT the New Twenty

2011-12-18T15:20:00.001-08:00

And pink is NOT the new black. Now that I'm forty, I'm bombarded with messages about how to fend off ageing. The forty year olds I know that are trying to compete with twenty year olds spend a LOT of time working on it. Sure, I can spend three hours a day at the gym, six hours a month at the hair salon, an hour a week getting my nails done, my toenails done, my skin waxed and exfoliated and lasered, my eyebrows plucked and shaped, my eyelash extensions glued on.....seriously, the list is long and quite frankly, exhausting.

I'm blessed with good genes. I can hardly remember to wash my face every day and I've never had a facial or a body scrub. Though I did go to a spa once with my mom where they did some sort of herbal detox thing that involved being wrapped in wet sheets that smelled like herbal tea and then covered with a thermal blanket. I didn't notice my skin looking better, but I did smell like a cup of tea. Beyond that, I just don't put much effort into competing with the twenty year olds. They're twenty. Your life is so confused and worrisome and everyone gives a shit what everyone else thinks when you're twenty, that the least I can do is give them the edge on me with their twenty year old skin and their cute butts in skinny jeans. Besides, what exactly are we supposed to be competing for? Men? Jobs? Cool Points? Honestly, I don't know what the point is.... What I know is that the person I want to be the person I am doesn't want to be twenty again.

The things that lasers and injections and scrubs would take awayare a part of having lived a life. That wrinkle between my eyes? Yeah, that's where I worried for friends in hard times. That's where I concentrated on learning a new skill. That wrinkle was formed from conquering fears, solving problems. Those lines around my eyes? Those come from smiling. Same with the deep groove next to my mouth. Smiling. WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU WANT TO LOOK LIKE YOU'VE NEVER SMILED????? These wrinkles will get deeper as I get older. It's proof of nights spent laughing with friends. Sometimes, the shadows under my eyes are proof of nights spent crying, friends lost, sick children, hear break. Wrinkles, spots, less than perfection is all proof that I have more going on than a quest for perfection. I'm not saying I don't put on some makeup and actually blow dry my hair every once in a while, cause I do. But I'd rather spend my time living my life, sailing, riding horses, enjoying friends and my family than take that time to try and get back to an age that wasn't nearly as enjoyable as it looks in the pictures.

Also, if I ever get THAT vain, that's why they invented Photoshop. Just hang out at home and post Photoshopped pictures on Facebook and nobody will ever know right? That's my back up plan. p.s. These photos are not photoshopped, mainly because I don't actually have Photoshop and I don't know how to use it....yet.

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

2011-12-01T19:32:00.001-08:00

I love Christmas music. There. I said it. I love Christmas music. Okay, there are a few songs I don't love but those are always the one written recently. There's a horrible, horrible song called something like Living in Seattle's Latte Land. Ugh. There's another painful one called Christmas in the Northwest. But mostly, I love Christmas music. Without irony. Without being hip and vintage. I love Christmas music.

I Know that I should have some sort of epic story about Christmas music or a hilarious vignette to share with you about it, but I don't. I just wanted to wave the flag of Christmas music. I'm standing up and letting the world know "My name is Mona Sterling and I love Christmas music!". Next thing you know I'll be wearing one of these sweaters.....but without the cool factor.

I'm okay with that. Really, I am. And it's okay if you sing your favorite Christmas song to me. I can spend all day humming Little Drummer Boy and not be angry about it. Because...one last time....I love Christmas music.

Anniversary Celebration goes On and On and On

2011-11-01T14:06:00.001-07:00

Our third and final anniversary celebration is a trip to the ocean for the weekend to watch the storms. We have done this every year since we got back together. We have stayed at the same place every year. It's the same stretch of beach that Dave got down on one knee and proposed to me on. The same tub overlooking the waves. The same towels?

Yes, it's probably the same towels too. Because sadly, though we love this little Inn, it's owners are either too broke or too blase to do simple things like replace towels, paint things, fix things or even provide a working bottle opener. In spite of all of that, we had a fantastic weekend. Which is why we married each other, because even in the worst of circumstances (honeymoon from hell) we'd rather be with each other than anywhere else.

See the beautiful blue sky? Yeah, not so good for storm watching. Not a goddamn cloud in the sky. Stupid weather.

We forgot to take pictures of the amazing French toast Dave made for me. I think it had Bailey's Irish Cream, pecans, cream cheese, spiced peaches and was topped with whip cream and boysenberries...or were they blackberries. Yummy goodness is what they were.

It was epic to open the wine since the wine opener broke. But Dave, being the handy man he is, managed to fix it. I would also like to point out his shirt (I Heart Sad Songs). It's funny because, though we have no photographic evidence of it, we BOTH packed the same t-shirt. Awkward? Hilarious? Awesome? All of the above.

Cup of dark chocolate with Amaretto? Yes, please. I can pretend it's dark and stormy outside.

Dave made a pot roast that was amazing. Super amazing. The best pot roast ever. We ate it for three days after the initial pot roast and I still miss it.

The last bottle of Zolo, the Malbec we served at our wedding. Red wine and pot roast are perfect for stormy fall nights. We had to pretend it was a stormy fall night, but it was still perfect.

Trying to open a bottle after the top came off the bottle opener. Did he get it? Of course he did. Dave is the man.

Third bottle of wine Dave and the bottle opener stuck in the last cork. So Dave goes in with a knife. It works. Sort of. He gets the bottle open, but manages to spray himself and the entire kitchen with wine.

This is the amazing bottle of Pinot Grigio that my neighbors gave me for my birthday. So. Good. So. Damn. Good. I drank this while laying in front of the fireplace reading a book that I also got for my birthday. Perfect.

It's always hard to get kissing shots because Dave is so much taller than me. But every time I give him the camera he takes it at the most awkward angles.

Because every one should have an awkward beach jumping shot. This is one where my hand went missing. Thankfully the coffee cup was empty.

And finally, my favorite road sign. Most road signs have one animal, but here there are four animals to avoid. Deer. Rabbit. Geese? And I think that's a raccoon. We only saw deer but we also spent most of the time inside doing the things that couples do on anniversary weekends. You know, eating and drinking wine right? Happy Anniversary Dave!

Anniversary Celebration goes On and On and On

2011-11-01T13:56:00.000-07:00

See the beautiful blue sky? Yeah, not so good for storm watching. Not a goddamn cloud in the sky. Stupid weather.

Cup of dark chocolate with Amaretto? Yes, please. I can pretend it's dark and stormy outside.

Dave made a pot roast that was amazing. Super amazing. The best pot roast ever. We ate it for three days after the initial pot roast and I still miss it.

The last bottle of Zolo, the Malbec we served at our wedding. Red wine and pot roast are perfect for stormy fall nights. We had to pretend it was a stormy fall night, but it was still perfect.

Trying to open a bottle after the top came off the bottle opener. Did he get it? Of course he did. Dave is the man.

It's always hard to get kissing shots because Dave is so much taller than me. But every time I give him the camera he takes it at the most awkward angles.

Because every one should have an awkward beach jumping shot. This is one where my hand went missing. Thankfully the coffee cup was empty.

To Appease The Masses

2011-10-26T13:25:00.001-07:00

October is a crazy month for me. It always seems like I'm laying in the sunshine in August, sighing a big sigh of relief that summer is FINALLY here and then it's Septem...what, it's Octob....huh? November???

September was kindergarten transitions.

October is almost over. October is my anniversary, which must be celebrated at least three times to be official. We also chose to celebrate my birthday in October since nobody ever wants to party on my real birthday, the week before Christmas. Pictures of those events will be coming soon.

So in the meantime here are some photos. First up: Halloween cookie project fail. Don't you hate it when these magazines lure you in with adorable pictures of cute cookies and cakes? It happens to me ever year. See what the evil little ghost cookie is saying? "So easy it's scary" Well, that little ghost is a jerk and a liar. So, this is the picture of the magazine's ghosts.

And these are what mine looked like. They're not as bad as they could have been but still, they don't look like the picture. Also, they did not taste yummy. The Nutter Butter cookies I ate while making them though were quite delicious.

See the full gallery on Posterous

And now I hav a bag of Nutter Butter cookies left that I will have to eat. Sigh. Life is hard.

Boxed Wine

2011-10-22T19:17:00.000-07:00

I was perusing through drafts of posts and found this rant about boxed wine. Since I have been too busy and too lazy to write much, here's a little post about boxed wine for you.

1. Eco Friendly- Made from recycled paper! Cornstarch for glue! Biodegradable!
2. Keeps fresh longer - Can drink from the box for a month!
3. Three bottles of wine in ONE box!!!
4. The easy pour nipple. Less spillage for sure. Especially when you're finishing off the box (see number 3.)
5. Unbreakable - Go ahead. Drop the box. Tip the box over. Bump your glass on the box. It can take it. If you've seen our plastic wine glasses you know that unbreakable ranks pretty high in our house.
6. Cheap! Cheap! - Boxed wine ends up being under $4 a bottle. That's a bargain.
7. Easier to transport- Need wine for 150? Transporting 100 boxes is a whole lot easier than 300 bottles.
8. Color coded boxes - Too drunk to remember which wine you were drinking? Labels kind of blurry? No problem. This wine is color coded. Just look for blue if you want merlot. Red for cabernet. Yellow for chardonnay and green for pinot gris. Easy peasy even if you're completely trashed.

This was supposed to be ten reasons why I should love boxed wine. It should tell you something that I was only able to come up with eight reasons. I don't love boxed wine. I don't even like boxed wine. I will not be drinking boxed wine again anytime soon. So there goes THAT idea.

Behind Closed Doors

2011-10-05T11:54:00.001-07:00

The other day, Dave came home for lunch. I don't remember what we ate but I think it was reasonably healthy lunch. Maybe some soup and a half a sandwich kind of lunch. When we were finished, he headed towards the freezer for the ice cream container.

"Want some?" he asked.

I raised an eyebrow at him. Okay, I totally didn't because I have NO control over my eyebrows and can't raise only one eyebrow, but if I could have raised one I would have. I had the emotional experience of raising an eyebrow at him.

"Nah. I'm pretty sure if I wait ten minutes I'll be full. You should wait and see if you're full too."

And I sauntered off full of self righteousness and patting my 'just so' full stomach. See, I didn't need ice cream after lunch and I'm better than those people that have to have ice cream after lunch. I will be thinner. I will live longer. I will be a paragon of restraint!

Dave had a few bites of ice cream to satisfy his sweet tooth and left back to work. I returned upstairs to my home office.

Ten minutes later I was in the kitchen loading a bowl up with three scoops of ice cream, a waffle cone bowl, hot fudge, whip cream, maraschino cherry and even chocolate sprinkles. It was a mountain of a hot fudge sundae. It was guilt and desire and goodness in a bowl and I savored every bite while I watched bad reality television on the internet. So much for self righteousness and restraint.

So Dave, I owe you an apology. What I should have said when you asked if I wanted any ice cream was "You go right ahead. I like to do my bingeing alone."

The Wheels of the Bus go Up and Down

2011-09-14T16:11:00.001-07:00

One of the surprising things about Kindergarten whe we live, is that the Kindergarten kids ride the bus. Those of you who don't have kids are probably thinking that's not a big deal. Those of you who have older kids are probably thinking that's not a big deal. But to a mom of an only child who just turned 5 in May, this is a big deal. It means that in the morning, I put my five year old on a school bus and for the next half hour she is somewhere in the void. Okay, maybe not the void....but my imagination is ripe and I am a teensy bit anxious about these things.

At the school assembly they assured us that our Kindergartners would have no problem with the buses. They would color code the buses and color code the kids hands with markers just to make sure. They would give the Kindergarten kids name tags for the first two weeks to differentiate them from the older kids. It was the Leave No Kindergartner Behind bus program. I was on board.

Last week went fine, despite the fact that Turtle rides one bus in the morning and a different bus coming home. She seemed to enjoy hanging out and chatting with the other kids and always came bounding off the bus full of stories. So I'm waiting at the bus stop for her today, talking to the other moms and waiting for the bus. The bus pulls off and the line is forming of kids to disembark. I don't see Turtle. I scan the line. No Turtle. I scan the bus. No Turtle. I peek inside the bus. No Turtle. I ask our neighbor's girls as they are coming off the bus "Where's Turtle?" "I dunno" they say "I think she got on the red bus maybe?"

Panic. My child, my five year old, my baby who still has cheeks that make you want to gnaw on them is NOT ON THE BUS. After a few minutes of frantic phone calls, they locate Turtle. Yes, she is indeed on the red bus. Fifteen minutes later, the bus pulls up and lets off it's lone occupant, Turtle. Here's the story the bus driver told me:

They were driving the route, Turtle happily chatting up her new neighbors. The bus got to our bus stop and turned left (since it wasn't our bus) instead of stopping. At that point Turtle jumps out of her seat and yells "You just passed my stop! I'm freaking out back here! Am I on the wrong bus?" The bus driver calms her down and tells her that she will get her back to her stop. So Turtle says "Phew. Mommy would be so worried." and then proceeds to tell the other kids "This is not my usual bus so we probably won't be seeing each other again until we're all adults. It's been nice talking to you, but I'm not supposed to be on this bus." Then she waves at the bus driver as she gets off and says "Thank you for getting me home safely. I was really worried fora minute."

Although I had a few moments of worry, I'm so glad to know that Turtle can take care of herself and make new friends while doing it.

Sleepless in Seattle

2011-09-09T12:11:00.001-07:00

Some nights, I sprawl like a toddler in my bed with arms and legs akimbo, breathing deeply. Face upturned to some sun I cannot see, I imagine I am already asleep and dreaming of puppies and kittens or whatever it is that toddler's dream about. I try to hold perfectly still, imagining my limbs have grown roots and are as heavy as tree trunks growing down through the bed, through the floor and into the earth.

Other nights I curl up, wrapping my arms around myself tightly. I try to remember what it feels like when you're so broken that all you can do is wrap your outsides around your insides and sleep. I try to conjure up memories of hearbreak, despair and loss while I contort my body into shapes of sadness. I long for the heavy limbed, swollen eyed feeling after a good cry. I try to re-create that sadness just so I can shed a few tears. I'm hoping that this will exhaust my mind, fill it with cotton balls of sadness, shutting down the racing thoughts and covering my tension like a heavy, wet blanket.

Most nights neither of these work and I lay in the darkness, listening to the deep, even breathing of my husband as he drifts quickly and calmly into sleep. Sometimes I'll start to fall asleep and my body will jolt awake suddenly, my mind angry and betrayed that sleep has crept past it's gates. The clock will have barely moved, my husband will have drifted from breathing into snoring and I'll feel the frustration building and sending energy into every limb. Limbs that kick out whenever my husband lets out a particularly egregious snore. Oh yes, I'm not above kicking, shoving and sighing dramatically when he's snoring. It's not even really the snoring that gets me. It's that he's ASLEEP and we've only just gotten into bed. See, he lays down and he closes his eyes AND THEN HE GOES TO SLEEP. This, to me, is a miracle. How the hell do people do that?

I have tried all the usual insomnia tricks. The warm bath, the warm tea, melatonin, meditation and warm milk. I keep routines. I don't exercise after 6:00 (that makes it sound like I actually exercise doesn't it?), I don't eat late snacks. I turn off the computer and the TV at least an hour before bedtime. I don't keep electronics in my bedroom. I keep it cool in the bedroom. I run a fan for white noise. It's dark in the bedroom. And so on and so on. And still, I lay down in bed and my mind jumps into action. Sometimes I will count backwards from 100. I usually get distracted somewhere around number 78 and my mind veers off into solving more problems, worrying about more things, thinking up new ways that tomorrow might be better.

Then there are the times where I get so worn down from not sleeping that I am a constant ball of anger and unhappiness. I'm like a two year old who missed their nap, all tantrums and tears and DON'T TOUCH ME and PLEASE HOLD ME but DON'T TOUCH ME. On those nights, I give in to some medical comfort in the form of Nyquil or Tylenol PM or Unisom. I cannot express the amazement I feel, the incredible deep happiness when the drugs kick in and my body sinks into the bed like an anchor aiming for the bottom of the sea. When my brain can't fight any longer and every thought is simply noticed before it floats away, a floating lantern drifting away from me as I slip into darkness and sleep. Glorious, wonderful sleep. I imagine this must be what it feels like for those of you who just 'fall asleep'. You just drift off and without even knowing it, you sleep. Lucky, lucky you. And for your safety, you better not fall asleep next to me because I just might kick you.

Ready, Set, GO!

2011-09-07T16:13:00.001-07:00

I've been told that once your children start school, time flies by and before you know it they are skipping college classes and playing Beer Pong. Of course, I was also told that when she was a baby I should savor every moment because it goes by too fast. Well, to that, I would like to say THANK GOD IT WENT BY FAST! Savor every moment? I dare you to savor every moment of a colicy baby who screams when you put her down like you've just set her body on fire. Savor the nights of sleep in one to two hour increments, where you're so wasted you brush your teeth with hemmerhoid cream and you don't even care. You just rinse and spit and shuffle hopelessly back to the screaming baby. Savor the car trips where you have to pull over because the screaming baby has choked on her own spit and is in the back seat gagging and....screaming. Savor the helplessness of not being able to make your baby happy, the jealousy of seeing those adorable quiet little babies babbling in the corner of coffee shops with their mothers while you try to bounce your child without spilling your coffee. Not that it would matter since you haven't showered in three days and you're wearing a sweatshirt three sizes too big and stained with this mornings spit up. Savor the frustration of being up at 1am and having to bounce on an exercise ball, while patting and shushing 15lbs of screaming hell. No, I did not savor. I cried a lot. I cursed a lot. I prayed a lot and I dreamed about the days when she would put a backpack on her tiny body, step on to a school bus and wave goodbye to me for the day. I dreamed about today, the day Turtle starts kindergarten.

Backpack. Check.

School Bus. Check. That is her waving in the front window. I know you can't see it, but if you try really hard you can imagine it.

And here is she is getting off the bus at the end of the day.

After her first day, Turtle reported that she loved kindergarten because they got to watch a cartoon during lunch. She also mentioned they had gym class. This was said with awe in her voice and a sparkle in her eye. Turtle is not an athletic child, but gym class is special. After all, Turtle's hero Babymouse goes to gym class. In case you don't know who Babymouse is, it's only Turtle's favorite book series in the whole world. Babymouse is the reason Turtle learned to read. She plows through Babymouse books, hardly even stumbling over words like 'literature', 'telephone' and 'argh'. So if Babymouse went to camp, Turtle wants to go to camp. If Babymouse has a dog, Turtle wants a dog. If Babymouse goes to gym class, Turtle wants to go to gym class. Now if I can just talk the Babymouse people into making a Babymouse Goes To Bed Early and Without Fuss Every Night book. But at least now when I tuck my Turtle into her bed, it doesn't involve hours of bouncing, shushing, patting and dreaming about kindergarten. Now kindergarten is my dream come true and Turtle sleeps in her own bed......mostly.

Phases

2011-08-18T12:16:00.001-07:00

I go through phases where I'm a regular blogger. I take pictures, I write posts. I see my life through the lens of blogging. And then there's phases where I just kind of hang out and do my thing and then after a month of no blogging, I can't think of a single thing to write about.

Oh sure, I've got the requisite cute Turtle stories about how five year olds can be assholes. Seriously, they can be. Five year olds can be like dating an emotionally abusive immature boyfriend. They say horribly mean things such as, "Mommy, if everyone dies then you can be my SECOND favorite person in the world." Who was her first favorite person? Sine, who is a mom of one of her preschool friends. And remember, this is if EVERYONE dies. Sigh. They will get angry at you, throw something at your face and then burst into tears telling you how much they love you and they'll never do it again.

I've also got a few boat stories, like how we had to pay a 'use' tax on our boat and it was based on the boat's value. So we found contractors to come out and look at the boat to tell us how much it would cost to fix what was wrong with it. The good news? The value of the boat went from $150,000 to $2,000 which lowered the use tax significantly. The bad news? That means the boat needs $148,000 worth of work. We could buy this house in Normal, Illinois for the same price. Pretty cute house isn't it? Of course, then we'd have to live in Normal Illinois...

I could also tell you about how my pony placed second place in her very first show after only being in training for 30 days. I could tell you how she loves to nap and is so adorable you want to snuggle her. Only she's not as snuggly as she looks because when you try to lift her back feet she loses her mind. I may not have enough money for massages for me (so decadent!) but tomorrow I'll be shelling out the bucks to get my horse massaged and get her meridians checked out. Horses like Chinese medicine too. According to this chart, it is likely that my horse has gall bladder or liver issues. Which is what my acupuncturist told me *I* have. Maybe I can share my herbs with my horse. Six for me and twenty six for her.

So that has been my summer mostly. It's not the summers of my youth spent enjoying mild summer nights at bonfires and in parking lots. Yes, parking lots. I don't know why, but a good portion of my youth was spent hanging out with friends next to our cars in parking lots. It was probably because we had classic cars and wanted to lounge on them properly so we could look cool. Which never worked, by the way because someone always brought out the hacky sack. A good hacky sack match, while incredibly fun, spoils any cool points you might have had by having a classic car.

I hope you are all having a fun summer. Two and half more weeks here and then school kicks back in. Know what that means? A blog post about Turtle and.....KINDERGARTEN. Does it blow your mind?! Because it definitely blows mine. But that's another story for another time.

xoxo

mona

Mona Sterling

---

www.monasterling.posterous.com

www.monasterling.com

I did Not Forget!

2011-06-29T10:43:00.001-07:00

Those of you who are worried that I have forgotten to post pictures of my road trip, never fear. I am working on them. I am making them into an annoyingly long movie with captions. Oh hell yes.

In the meantime, I have a question for you. Do you have awful nicknames for people you love? Our family is notorious for shortening everyone's name down to one syllable. Yes, that means my family calls me Mo. No, it doesn't mean you should too. Unless you knew me before I was 25 and then you already do call me that. If not though, please do not start. I will have to hurt you. Or even worse, I will publicly unfriend you on Facebook. Charlotte has so far escaped this phenomenon in our household, probably because we call her all sorts of terrible nicknames. Here are some gems. The Wurt. Wurdo. Bug. Nugget. Turtoli. Turtolinni. But lately, I've been thinking about nicknames and if they impact your personality.

I was walking Turtle to the car the other day and yelled out at her "C'mon Booger, let's go!"

A woman stopped and asked me, "What did you just call her?"

I paused for a moment, trying to recall and then mumbled, "Booger?". The woman nodded, probably waiting for me to explain or apologize for calling my child a name.

"It's cute right? I mean, it's like Booger in an affectionate kind of way." I stammered. She shrugged. I turned to buckle Booger....I mean Turtle into the car and she turned her back to me, aimed her butt up in the air towards me and said "I've got my weapon aimed right at your face!" and then she farted. And laughed hysterically.

I don't know what the point of this story is. But I think a child who thinks who her butt is a weapon and that farts are funny probably doesn't mind being called Booger. Or maybe because I've been calling her Booger she's been developing the kind of humor someone named Booger might have. Either way, she's the cutest Booger I've ever seen and her butt IS a deadly weapon, especially after eating broccoli.

Dog Gone It

2011-06-14T14:43:00.001-07:00

If you're not friends with me on Facebook, you may not have seen my desperate posts about the dog. And even if you are friends with me, you may have wondered what the story is and what happened. So here it is. The short saga of a dog named Molly.

Dave and I had just attended the last reunion function, a fun night of food, drinks and Nerf dart guns. We had both dressed up for the occasion and were looking forward to getting back to our hotel and getting a good night's sleep before hitting the road for home bright and early the next morning. Dave was driving when a dark shape suddenly darted out in front of the car. It was a small dog. A small, confused dog who stopped in the middle of the street and when Dave honked, jumped about ten feet and ran back the other way. We drove about a half a block before realizing that a small, black dog with no street smarts was probably not going to survive the night. So we turned around. As soon as I opened the door, the dog heard and ran right over with her tail wagging. I didn't even have to call her, she wanted to jump in our car. I grabbed her collar and checked her tag. Yes! Her owner had put a 24 hour Pet Tag on her with a number we could call. So we did.

Here's Mona getting on her soapbox for a moment: People, if you bother to microchip your dog AND get a 24 hour Pet Tag, please, please, please update the goddamn thing. If you have moved over 200 miles, please update your address. Disconnected your phone? Change the number! Given the dog to someone else? Change the name! Otherwise, your little dog (or your former little dog) will be wandering around and when someone picks the dog up they will have NO WAY TO CONTACT YOU. Which means that all your tags and microchipping are COMPLETELY USELESS!! Except that we know the dog's possible owners name. Brandy Ellis, we found your damn dog.

The 24 hour pet service was able to tell us the dog's name (Molly) and suggested we call the local Humane Society. It was 10:45 at night so they were closed. Molly didn't appear to be starving, but she was covered in dog poop that was crusted on to her neck so it seemed like she had been out for a little while. We bundled her up in Dave's sweatshirt and took her back to our hotel, hoping to figure something out there. The hotel staff were amazing. If you're ever in Greeley, Colorado please go visit them at the Country Inn and Suites on W. 29th Street. They looked up numbers for us to call, offered Molly treats and water and even called the local police station for us.

Here's what the local police said. "Gee, we're sorry but the shelter is closed until Monday and we won't take the dog so you'll just have to put her back out on the street where you found her."

Really Greeley? Really??? Somebody in Greeley needs to offer a weekend/late night shelter option for found pets until Animal Control opens because that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. Put the dog back out on the streets?? Again, the hotel staff stepped up and said it would be fine for us to take the dog into our room for the night. Dave gave Molly a quick bath to get the poo off, while I posted an ad on Craigslist for a found dog. We finally fell into bed at 1am. Molly was perfect. She never barked, never whined, never did anything irritating. She jumped up on the bed when we turned in and snuggled in at Dave's feet where she spent the night quietly sleeping. I was up most of the night with my ear ringing from my allergies, which was probably God's way of saying "Don't you DARE take this dog home." If I hadn't felt so bad from just one night, I probably would have brought her home. She was that sweet.

So early the next morning we took Molly to the Senior Apartments where Dave's mom lives. We hoped she would be able to keep her for a day until the shelter opened. We bought Molly a bag of food to tide her over and used Dave's shoelace for a little leash. When we got to Greeley Place, the manager stepped out. He looked intimidating and a little wary of us and I was nervous that he wouldn't want us bringing a stray dog in to the facility. I stepped forward to explain the situation. I hadn't even gotten to the part where we were going to ask Dave's mom to watch Molly for a day and then take her to the shelter when he looked down. Molly wagged her whole body furiously and his whole face just melted. It was like watching the sun rise over a field, giving the grass a golden glow. He crouched down and Molly wiggled over to him.

"I just lost my dog a few months ago." He scratched Molly behind her ears, looking thoughtful. "I'm going to take her, but I'm probably not gonna give her to the shelter. Dogs don't do good in shelters and cages like that. I'll just keep her until the owner shows up. Molly, you look like you need to go out. Do you need to go out? Let's get you outside."

And with that, he took Molly's shoe string leash, gave us a wave and walked out the back door.

The other manager looked up from her desk and said "We'll let you know what happens."

We haven't heard from them yet, but I have a very strong feeling that if Molly didn't have the right home before, she sure does now. Some times, things that seem like they're not going to work out very well have a way of working out exactly right.

Wallflower

2011-06-11T10:16:00.001-07:00

Last night was the first of the weekend's festivities for Dave's high school reunion. We met up at a restaurant/bar for cocktails and appetizers. I am not the most outgoing person in new situations but I'm not exactly a wallflower either. I like to think of myself a good looking, interesting woman with pretty decent conversational skills. Being the spouse meant nobody cared about all that, they just wanted to reminisce.

I stayed for an hour or so before I finally realized that Dave would be just as well off with a cardboard cut out of me that he could say "This is my wife, Mona." and the cardboard me would stand still and smile and look lovely. The real me tried to make conversation.

"So, where do you live now?"

"Kansas. Hey Dave, remember that time we drove to Oklahoma and got drunk and picked up girls?"

I stand there smiling for a few minutes while Dave and Bob try to pull out the dusty memories of junior year of high school and reinvent them as more exciting times. Dave tries to include me in the conversation.

"Bob loved classic cars. Mona has a Mustang and also loves classic cars."

Bob takes a swig of his drink and glances quickly over at me, his eyes only grazing mine before focusing back on his third whiskey. I nod enthusiastically.

"I love classic cars! What kind did you have?"

"I had a bunch. Dave, remember when Pete and you and I got drunk and drove to Montana and picked up girls?"

Twenty minutes later and I have finished my glass of wine and am standing staring off into space. Despite Dave's best efforts to include me, it's clear that the only trip anyone wants to make is down Memory Lane. It's also clear that they don't want to TELL the stories to me, they want to check their facts with Dave and see if he agrees that high school was the best time of his life. When Dave doesn't jump right in, they turn to someone else who's had more drinks and is ready to go there.

I left and went back to the hotel room, where I had a lovely time watching movies and eating cookies. Today is the picnic (in fact, we should be there right now but Dave is sleeping off the remnants of last night's Memory Fest which included trying to drink like you were 20 again). Dave has said the picnic will likely be less about the past and more about the present. It should be interesting.

I should say that these are not bad people or rude people, they are people at a reunion. This is why I tend to avoid reunions. I don't want to discuss what we did in high school or how drunk we got and do you remember this or that? I want to know who we are now and what we have learned. This may have something to do with my crappy memory. I don't remember much about high school. I don't remember people that I have dated, which sometimes hurts their feelings. I don't remember what we looked like, I don't remember the time we went downtown and bought beer and you threw up on that guy. I have my own collection of memories for sure, but they may not include the guy from 8th grade that I made out with once on New Years (I think his name was Boris but I could be wrong....if Boris is out there and reading this, I'm sorry that we made out and then I pretended not to know you. I was an asshole.) I like that life moves forward isntead of backward and I'm not getting younger, I'm getting older. I think I'd rather go to a Senior Center and talk to the ladies about life moving forward and about learning new things at 75 years of age. That's where my life is going, not back to high school.

I am looking forward to getting to know some of the people that were important in Dave's life back when he was rocking the 'fro. This is where I wish I had a picture of Dave circa 8th grade year. I will work on that. In the meantime, I'm off to barbecue and make some new friends.

We will, We will Rock You

2011-06-09T17:22:00.001-07:00

We have heard Queen's We Will Rock You at least five times since leaving Utah. Maybe people in Utah and Colorado are super Queen fans or maybe, because they live in Utah and Colorado they really need the boost that comes from the We Are the Champions part of the song.

We have photos. Tons of photos. But no USB cord so you'll just have to wait for those. In the meantime I will tell you a little story about driving into Colorado. We had decided to take the scenic route through Colorado to Estes Park. Highway 84. First, I feel so sad for all the people who's farms have flooded and the one boarding stable who's covered arena was seconds from floating away. It was intense. Anyways, Highway 84 winds around farmlands and through mountains and ends up at Trail Ridge road. This road goes through Rocky Mountain National Park and way, way up high so that you can look at gorgeous views.

Way, way up high. Way, way up high. I'm repeating those because they are important and you should remember them. Had Dave and I repeated those words a few times, we might have decided to skip the scenic views at Trail Ridge and take the long way around. Because Mona Sterling is afraid of heights and Trail Ridge road is an acrophobic's nightmare.

Imagine the twistiest, windiest road on the edge of a mountain. It's only two lanes so you can't turn around and go back and it's winding up a huge freaking mountain. Now imagine there is no edge of the road, no slope, just a giant drop off. You are driving on the actual edge of a cliff. Here's what it sounded like in our car.

Sh*t. F*ck. Sh*t. F*ck. Breathe. Okay. Ohhhhhhh sh*t. F*ck.

Every so often, Dave would look pained and say "I'm sorry."

Then I would go "No, no. It's fine. It's fine. And then we would round the corner and there would be miles more of sheer drop off with no edge or rail or anything. And the cursing would begin again. The mountain took about forty minutes to get up and thirty of that was spent with sweaty palms and me cursing non stop. By the time we made it to the other side and I found a spot to pull over it had been about an hour of tense, painfully slow driving. So I did what any sensible girl would do after an experience like that. I pulled over and cried. I mean sobbed. Head down on the steering wheel with loads of snot and everything. This is what happens when your body dumps adrenaline into it and then it has to go somewhere. Dave was a champ and just took a little walk outside until I had composed myself. Then he gave me a hug and offered to drive and off we went.

So now I can say that I have been to the top of Trail Ridge. I tried to google pictures and only found one that was copyrighted that showed the horror. The others only showed the parts where there's a slope or a little rockery thing. I'm telling you it was a SHEER DROPOFF. But I did it. I made it through even though I was freaking out. And now I'm going to pop the cork on a bottle of wine and celebrate. Here's a toast to me and to NEVER EVER driving Trail Ridge ever again.

Memo to Idaho and Utah

2011-06-09T07:03:00.001-07:00

Note to Idaho:

I love your long stretches of road where I can turn on cruise control and rest my back and my legs. I love all the ponies. I am a little bit confused by the whole passing on the right thing, but it seems to work for you people so I'll go with it. I also do not like the crazy rainstorms that create hydroplaning on a road where you're going 75 and surrounded by semis who want to go 80. That's some scary shit Idaho. I do thank you for letting me pump my own gas though. Or rather, letting Dave pump the gas. We got gas at the Idaho border so we didn't have to get in Oregon and let someone else do the pumping. Oh the jokes that could come out of that line!

Note to Utah:

Utah, Utah, Utah. It was my first time driving through Utah! The scenery is gorgeous in Utah, but the twisty, turny roads and the ups and downs, combined with constant road work made for a hard drive. Also, Utah must be the bug capital of the world. I have pictures to prove it. I had a clean windshield from Washington to Utah but as soon as we crossed that border it was a bug graveyard. Crazy! Also, Utah drivers are a bit odd. They follow you closely when you're passing, so you move over. Then they very slowly pass you and then get in front of you and slow down. So you move over again and pass them, only be to be overtaken by them again five minutes later and you have to do it all over again. The first time I thought it was some freaky, aggressive driver but by the fifth time I realized it's just Utah. We're leaving Utah now and headed to Estes Park Colorado.

Thankfully, today's drive is only 6 hours which will be a piece of cake compared to yesterdays 13 hour jaunt. Now, where can I find a Starbucks in Utah? With all the Mormon's do they even HAVE Starbucks?

xoxo

mona

Landlocked

2011-06-09T06:56:00.001-07:00

I know you're expecting this to be an update about Jolly Roger. Ha! Tell Captain Dave he needs to brush up on his typing skills and get to it! Seriously though, we are in the middle of Utah today. Not really prime sailing country. We did see a marina at the Great Salt Lake. I think Dave took a picture of it to commemorate the moment as we drove by.

So while we're cruising through the landlocked states of Idaho, Utah and Colorado, Dave's friend Phil and his lovely wife are staying on Jolly Roger. Phil and Dave met in Panama and share a mutual love of all things sailing. Phil has (or had??) a boat that he was sailing around and living on at the time. So now Phil is in Seattle and living on the Jolly Roger. And guess what? He’s WORKING on the Jolly Roger! The pesky aft head (now just an aft shower) lights that we hadn’t put in yet? Phil called us the day he arrived to tell us he’s putting those in. If this is how much work is going to get done, I’m thinking Phil should live on Jolly Roger for a few months the next year and then the boat will be done! Oh wait….then we wouldn’t be able to go sailing for a year and I’d have to live with a Dave without a boat. Nevermind. I like the Dave WITH a boat.

Still, I want to publicly say that Dave’s friend Phil (who I haven’t met since we left town the same day he arrived) is freaking awesome. I can’t wait to see the aft shower with light!!! I will now be able to put in my contacts in the morning without poking my eyeball and complaining about the lack of light! Yippppeeee!

Other projects that have been completed since our last update include a working forward head, new faucet in galley, finished paint in the aft shower, cleaned out the really disgusting smelly stinky gross ice box/cooler/fridge and re-wired the electrical. It may not look like a huge amount but that is some serious progress. We’re off to drive to Colorado from Utah today but we’ll be thinking about all of you and about our future sailing trips work parties on the Jolly Roger.

Xoxo

mona

Mona Sterling

www.posterous.monasterling.com

www.monasterling.com

Turn UP the Radio!

2011-06-07T22:21:00.001-07:00

Omigod, omigod this video is a gem! You must watch it.

Dave and I are currently relaxing in a hotel in Pendleton Oregon. He's watching some movie with Bruce Willis and I'm catching up on some work and some blogging while I wait for the muscle relaxants and Naproxen to kick in. Yeah, I pulled something in my back right before we left for our epic road trip. Tomorrow is a 13 hour day in the car. Yeeeehawwwww!

But this post is not about the joys of driving with back pain, it's about how IPods and CD's and even tapes have taken some of the fun out of road trips. You plug in your IPod and turn on your "Road Trip" mix, the perfectly crafted mix of epic sweeping ballads, indie music and rock songs. Yeah, I get it. You can sing a long to every song and they're all guaranteed winners. But maybe you've forgotten about the radio. Oh, the radio. Yes, I know...radios are full of popular songs and too many commercials. Here's how you play this game. Hit the Scan button. You will get to know a lot about where you are by what is on the radio. Eastern Washington and Oregon so far: religious, spanish, religious, spanish, country, hard rock, religious, spanish, classic rock, country. There are a few pop stations interspersed for good measure but they are few and far between. When you hear something you like you hit Scan again to stop it. If you don't hit Scan in time you CANNOT go back. These are the rules people and you MUST play by them.

I would like to thank the radio for these perfectly timed gems.

On the wide open drive through Eastern Washington: Guns N Roses "Welcome to the Jungle"

Somewhere in Eastern Washington with a lot of cows: Neil Diamond "Shilo"

Across the Columbia River: AC/DC "Back in Black"

Into Oregon with the sun setting behind us: Peter Gabriel "In Your Eyes" (when this song came and on I said I LOVE THIS SONG, Dave turned to me and said "Somehow I didn't think you'd be a Phil Collins kind of person." I did correct him and point out that it was Peter Gabriel. I haven't yet fessed up to loving Phil Collins and "That's All." He will find out when he reads this. We may need counseling for this admission via the internet.

Tomorrow we are headed to Utah. I'm excited to see Mormons in person and possibly drive by the house of dooce.com. Do you think they have it on a tourist map yet? Here's hoping!

xoxo

mona

Turn UP the Radio!

2011-06-07T22:20:00.001-07:00

Omigod, omigod this video is a gem! You must watch it.

I would like to thank the radio for these perfectly timed gems.

On the wide open drive through Eastern Washington: Guns N Roses "Welcome to the Jungle"

Somewhere in Eastern Washington with a lot of cows: Neil Diamond "Shilo"

Across the Columbia River: AC/DC "Back in Black"

Tomorrow we are headed to Utah. I'm excited to see Mormon's in person and possibly drive by the house of dooce.com. Do you think they have it on a tourist map yet? Here's hoping!

xoxo

mona

Turn UP the Radio!

2011-06-07T22:15:00.001-07:00

Omigod, omigod this video is a gem! You must watch it.

I would like to thank the radio for these perfectly timed gems.

On the wide open drive through Eastern Washington: Guns N Roses "Welcome to the Jungle"

Somewhere in Eastern Washington with a lot of cows: Neil Diamond "Shilo"

Across the Columbia River: AC/DC "Back in Black"

Tomorrow we are headed to Utah. I'm excited to see Mormon's in person and possibly drive by the house of dooce.com. Do you think they have it on a tourist map yet? Here's hoping!

xoxo

mona

Cruelty to Children

2011-05-30T20:23:00.001-07:00

At the grocery store across the street there is one of those machines where you pay fifty cents and get a shot at getting a stuffed animal. I don't know what the odds are, but I have never actually gotten anything out of these machines. You aim the claw carefully, it goes down and then there is no pressure and it doesn't pick anything up. These games are designed to take money from small children. We occasionally let Turtle play if we have extra quarters, but most days she just wants to go look in at the different stuffed animals.

Then, last week, disaster struck. Turtle is five and going through a Care Bear phase. Yes, Care Bears. From the 80's. The same Care Bears that you can no longer buy because they don't make them anymore. We've been lucky that a friend of ours has a daughter who is outgrowing her Care Bear obsession and they have been gracious enough to gift Turtle with some stuffed Care Bears. So Turtle pulls my arm and drags me over to the machine and there, right smack in the middle of the machine, is the bear she's been wanting. Funshine Bear. The favorite of all favorite Bears. The Holy Grail of Care Bears. And he's sitting in the middle of a pile of cheap Made in China stuffed toys, grinning at us. Turtle loses her mind. She has to play this game. She must have Funshine Bear. I give her two quarters and steel myself for the inevitable.

Twenty seconds later Turtle is holding my hand, big tears rolling down her cheeks, wailing about how she can't leave Fun Shine Bear there. She asks if we can try again tomorrow. I agree, thinking that maybe by tomorrow she will have forgotten. The first thing she says when she wakes up the next day is "Is it time to go get Funshine Bear yet?". We have a long talk about these machines and how most of the time you don't win and that no matter how many times you try, you may never win. It occurs to me that this is probably not building a winning attitude in my five year old. But how do I help her mix optimism with reality? I tell her she has to use her own money. She empties out her piggy bank and comes up with four quarters. We walk to the grocery store and she has two tries. Nothing. The walk back home is more of a death march than a walk. She's now feeling bad that she couldn't do it. She says that she's not good at this game. Then she asks if we can do it again tomorrow. I point out that she's out of money, but if it's important to her she can earn money by doing chores. She rushes home and asks if she can make the bed for fifty cents. Uh, hell yes! Maybe this whole thing will work out after all....good old cheap child labor! Plus, I hate making the bed.

We have now tried three days in a row for Funshine Bear. They have all ended in tears. Please, please let Care Bears come back into production so I can just buy my sweet, determined five year old a goddamn Funshine Bear. In the meantime, Turtle and I are talking about how to save up enough money to buy Funshine Bear who is currently retailing for $50 USED. And if not that, well, we've got two more quarters and there's always tomorrow.

Mona Sterling

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www.monasterling.posterous.com

www.monasterling.com

Horses Are Angels

2011-05-29T20:42:00.001-07:00

If you haven't known me very long, then you may not know that I'm a horse geek. I know it would be cooler to geek out about vinyl records or french cuisine or vintage episodes of Three's Company, but my passion is ponies. I can't drive down the highway without turning to look at every single horse I find. I will watch ANY movie with a horse in it. I saw Hidalgo in the theatre. Even worse, I saw Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron in the theatre. I think I was the only one over 12 or without a kid of my own. I wasn't even embarassed.

I bought a horse right after I had my daughter. I was miserable with post partum depression and trying to figure out who I was. I didn't have a horse at the time and thought maybe that was the secret to a happier marriage and a happier motherhood. I bought the wrong horse, at the wrong time, with the wrong partner. It was a disaster. And when I say disaster I mean it sucked ass. The horse and I didn't connect, I didn't know how to ride him and we just never meshed. I was resented by my partner for the time I spent at the barn and felt guilty for every minute I spent there and every dollar I spent on the horse. Imagine your favorite passion and now imagine feeling like you're being billed by the minute, both financially and emotionally every single time you do it. Like while you're listening to your awesome vinyl records, you're thinking about how much they cost and wondering if it's worth it and wondering if your child is having a hard time without you and feeling guilty that you're not at home taking care of her. Okay, that's a stretch since vinyl records don't really take you away from home most of the time...but you get the point. I bought and sold the horse in about a year I think. I don't remember the exact timing, it was a blur of crap. Oh, did I also mention that my child got MRSA that year and my relationship fell apart? It was a banner year for Mona.

But, screw that. That was so 2007 or was it 2008...who cares. Now it's 2011 and I have been talking for the last year about wanting a pony again. So with the absolute blessing and full support of my awesome new husband, I started horse shopping this year. There were some ups and downs that included a horse I really liked knocking my front teeth to bits accidentally. She had just failed the vet check and as I was getting ready to leave I was so distracted I wasn't paying attention. I now have fancy new teeth and a quicker response time when it comes to my face.

The day I went down to meet my future pony, I was pretty sure I was not going to buy her. She had just turned 5 and had only been ridden a handful of times. She was a dapple grey which I had sworn to never own again. If you don't know horses, let me tell you do NOT buy a goddamn dapple grey. They are amazing about finding green and yellow things and rolling in them. You will spend way too much time and money using purple shampoos to try and turn dingy tails snowy white and in the end they will turn a funky silver purple color with green highlights anyway. So anyway, we drive up to this gorgeous barn and go in to find this adorable little face in the crossties.

We tacked her up and had the owner's daughter ride her first. Nothing spectatular, but for a horse with so few rides she was very sane. So I got on. It felt like home. Sorry for the crappy picture of me riding. We didn't take any pictures that first day, just video so this is a still shot from the video.

She was inattentive, kind of lazy and unsure of what she was doing. She liked to look at things and she liked to go as slow as she could get away with. I can't say that I blame her. She went from couch potato to working in deep sand footing (imagine if you were dragged off the couch and made to jog in the deep sand of the beach) so she was pretty tired.

My friend Sarah and I left her and went to see the next horse, the polar opposite of the little grey Arabian. This horse was a tall chestnut half Arab trained to 3rd level Dressage (for non horse people this just means that the horse was more awesome than I was and could do fancy movements. It's like the difference between a Chevy Minivan and a Ferrari.) and ready to show and win. I got on and within two minutes knew he wasn't the right horse for me. I'm pretty sure I wigged out his trainer since I stopped my test ride and got off, saying "Thanks but he's not the horse for me." She thought I was nuts. I probably was. He was well trained and worth every penny of his under priced asking price. If anyone's looking for a 16 hand half Arab dressage horse, I know of a good one under $10,000. He was fancy and trained and I just couldn't do it. The trainer pointed out that it takes a year to bond with a new horse. I think she's right, but I already knew something. I had found love at first sight in the form of a tiny, barely trained dapple grey Arabian.

I'm sure that it will take me a year to get to know Tessa. We will have our ups and downs and our fights. Owning a horse is just like any other relationship, it takes work and time and a lot of love. Plus, I learned something with my last disastrous horse experience. If I don't LOVE the horse, it doesn't matter what they can do or how well they perform. For me, it's all about the love. And this, this is what love looks like to me. Welcome home Tessa.

p.s. Turtle does not like horses despite the strong genetic link and maternal pressure. She wrote a song and sang it to me the other day. Here are the lyrics.

"Horses are angels. Horses are angels. But I don't like them.

Some people like them. Some people like them. I'm talking to you mommy. But I don't."

Repeat ad nauseam in your loudest voice whenever anyone brings up horses. Sung to the tune of My Little Pony, which, incidentally she DOES love.

Mona Sterling

---

www.monasterling.posterous.com

www.monasterling.com

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Zero Five and Still Alive!

2011-05-20T15:48:00.001-07:00

It was five years ago today, at 12:10 a.m. that they pulled a very reluctant Turtle out of my stomach. She was two weeks past her due date and I had been in labor for three days straight without drugs. I was going the natural route dammit. Only nobody gave Turtle the memo and she didn't want to come out the natural route. By the time I got an epidural I was mentally and physically exhausted. I'm pretty sure I asked the anasthesiologist to marry me. And though I'm sure he was flattered by a two hundred pound pregnant woman, stark naked and sweating from the pain, asking for his hand in marriage, he politely refused. It's surprising how quickly comfort trumps modesty when you're in that much pain.

The first year was hell. The second year was better. The third year I thought we'd survive it. The fourth year I thought I might like her. And the fifth? The fifth year is the year where we fell madly in love with each other. We sing silly songs to each other about going to preschool. I sing "We're going to preschool. We're on our way" and she sings back "I hate preschool. I don't want to go today". Then I sing "You have to go or you'll turn out dumb" and she sings "Dumb can be so much fun." Seriously, the kid is talented. Win the lottery? I don't need to...I have the next Disney star on my hands. Or the next adult entertainer...some times with her underwear dances it's a blurry, blurry line.

In honor of Turtle's fifth birthday here are some pictures. I'm kind of missing some in between years because they're on a CD and my CD drive is broken. Stupid technology. It was hard to narrow down which pictures to put on so I just grabbed some random ones. Enjoy.

[[posterous-content:pid___15]]Pregnant. CC was still alive and used to like to lay her head on my belly.[[posterous-content:pid___1]]3-D Ultrasound. Coooool. And kinda gross. And kinda cool.[[posterous-content:pid___2]]She looks surprised that we got her out. She also looks like a glow worm.[[posterous-content:pid___5]][[posterous-content:pid___3]][[posterous-content:pid___4]][[posterous-content:pid___9]][[posterous-content:pid___11]]My baby is a champion sleeper. If they made medals for sleeping she would win the gold. She also has a special way of taking up insane amounts of room in the bed. Now when she climbs in bed with us in the middle of the night, she very politely asks if you'd like to be kicked with the feet or headbutted with her head. I usually end up with the headbutt and Dave with the feet. I have also learned how to be a ROCK in bed so that I maintain my small island of mattress space. Dave, on the other hand, often ends up on the floor.[[posterous-content:pid___0]][[posterous-content:pid___6]][[posterous-content:pid___8]]Crying was her favorite past time after sleeping. [[posterous-content:pid___10]][[posterous-content:pid___7]][[posterous-content:pid___12]][[posterous-content:pid___13]][[posterous-content:pid___14]][[posterous-content:pid___16]][[posterous-content:pid___17]][[posterous-content:pid___18]]Her first big bike accident. She hasn't wanted to ride it since. Her cousins gave her their old big wheel and she loves it. Closer to the ground. A friend called me Captain Safety the other day and I pointed out that I AM Captain Safety and Daughter is Deputy Rulebook. She likes to play it safe and follow the rules and she makes sure EVERYONE else does too.[[posterous-content:pid___19]][[posterous-content:pid___20]][[posterous-content:pid___21]]Charlotte does not need glasses, she just likes to wear them. She's 'fashion' as she would say.[[posterous-content:pid___22]]Happy Birthday Turtle! I love you so much that I kind of want to chew on you. I hope that the trend continues and that we like each other more and more and more and that maybe we can coast on that love when you turn 13 and don't want anything to do with me.

xoxo

mona

Zero Five and Still Alive!

2011-05-20T15:46:00.001-07:00

Pregnant. CC was still alive and used to like to lay her head on my belly.

3-D Ultrasound. Coooool. And kinda gross. And kinda cool.

She looks surprised that we got her out. She also looks like a glow worm.

My baby is a champion sleeper. If they made medals for sleeping she would win the gold. She also has a special way of taking up insane amounts of room in the bed. Now when she climbs in bed with us in the middle of the night, she very politely asks if you'd like to be kicked with the feet or headbutted with her head. I usually end up with the headbutt and Dave with the feet. I have also learned how to be a ROCK in bed so that I maintain my small island of mattress space. Dave, on the other hand, often ends up on the floor.

Crying was her favorite past time after sleeping.

Her first big bike accident. She hasn't wanted to ride it since. Her cousins gave her their old big wheel and she loves it. Closer to the ground. A friend called me Captain Safety the other day and I pointed out that I AM Captain Safety and Daughter is Deputy Rulebook. She likes to play it safe and follow the rules and she makes sure EVERYONE else does too.

Charlotte does not need glasses, she just likes to wear them. She's 'fashion' as she would say.

Happy Birthday Turtle! I love you so much that I kind of want to chew on you. I hope that the trend continues and that we like each other more and more and more and that maybe we can coast on that love when you turn 13 and don't want anything to do with me.

xoxo

mona

Lyric Gems

2011-04-08T21:45:00.001-07:00

Thanks to my new dance/pop music obsession, I can now add these lyric gems to my repertoire. And for those of you who might judge the fact that I have been listening to Movin' 92.5, you just have no idea of the awesomeness that is terrible lyrics with a great beat. Either that or you've never car danced before. And if you've never car danced before, well I just feel sorry for you. You are missing out. So without further ado, I present you with some snippets of lyrics from some of these incredible songs.

Should've known you was trouble from the first kiss
Had your eyes wide open, why were they open? mona in: Is it trouble if someone kisses you with their eyes open? Dave does this sometimes and though I find it creepy when I open my eyes and he's staring at me, does it really mean it's trouble?

Take me, ta-ta-take me
Wanna be a victim
Ready for abduction
Boy, you're an alien mona in: Who doesn't love a good alien song? And really, aliens are sexy right? E.T. was a hot little dude....errr...okay, maybe not so much.

I Met a group of girls in a Escalade
I Met a group of girls in a Escalade
Met met a group of girls in a Escalade
They came with you and left with me mona in: I just LOVE that they repeat this fact three times in just one verse. It's important to establish that this guy met a group of girls in an Escalade. I mean...a Escalade. Bad grammar is important for pop songs.

Gimme something good

Don't wanna wait I want It now (na-na-now)

Pop It like a hood

And show me how you work It out mona in: I'm officially old. Pop what like a hood? Your pants? Lift up your shirt maybe? I don't know what she's talking about in this song.

So there's some of my favorites. What are your current favorite baaaaad lyrics?

Mona Sterling
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www.monasterling.posterous.com
www.monasterling.com

Done and Done

2011-03-24T20:15:00.001-07:00

So I’m done with the elimination diet and after almost two months of carefully controlled food intake, here’s what I’ve learned.
1. I have an incredibly bad memory and remember things wrong. Entirely wrong. I’m sure anyone who’s ever been my boyfriend can probably tell you horror stories about this since when I am arguing, I often forget the facts. The only redeeming thing is that I also forget the bad things. I’m prone to forgetting anniversaries too which, depending on how you look at it, could be a good thing or a bad thing. However, in my defense I now know that I wasn’t ‘conveniently’ forgetting the facts, I honestly just did not remember them. This became apparent because a few days after adding in dairy I noticed my ear felt full of fluid again. I panicked and decided to go off dairy. I had been doing so much better! Yeah, not so much. My journal shows that my ear started ringing two weeks into the elimination diet and didn’t stop the whole time. Even when I was not drinking dairy. If I hadn’t written these things down I would have totally blamed dairy. Which brings me to the second thing I learned….
2. I am incredibly susceptible. If you tell me you think it’s dairy (internet, I’m looking at you) I will believe it whole heartedly. You think it’s soy? Oh, I probably have that too. Oh, it’s gluten? Your aunt has the exact same thing and when she stopped eating bread she felt better? Oooh, me too. Again, thankfully I DID keep a journal and found out that was not the case for me. In fact, all of the rice products were making me sick and I felt waaaay better after having some toast.
3. It’s not food. I repeat, for my benefit as much as for yours, it’s not food. I’m not saying there isn’t a food/body/mind connection because there totally is. I saw all kinds of wonderful benefits when I was limiting my dairy, eating extra veggies and fruits and avoiding sugar. But…it did not take care of the fluid feeling in my ear.
So – I have other things I’m going to try but I’m kinda tired of talking and complaining about my damn ear. So that’s that. I’m going to go open a bottle of wine and have some cake. Because if my ear is going to ring non-stop and feel like I’m on a descending airplane, I may as well have some sugar and some wine.
Xoxo
mona
Mona Sterling
www.posterous.monasterling.com
www.monasterling.com

The Elimination Diet Vs. The Flu

2011-03-13T09:37:00.001-07:00

You know what's hard? Elimination diets. You know what's really hard? Elimination diets when you have the flu. You know what's impossible? Elimination diets AND the flu AND an open bag of Cheetos in your kitchen. It's just not humanly possible to be feeling crappy and not be able to eat anything and then have to reach over those damn Cheetos whenever you go to make yourself tea, which is often since you're coughing up a lung. So rather than suffer the Cheetos any longer, I simply ate them. All of them. And then I needed some Girl Scout cookies to wash down the cheese flavor so I polished off some Thin Mints and Samoas that were in the freezer. I figure the best way to avoid temptation is to get rid of it. The old fashioned way. Dave, being the superstar that he is, did not say a word about the missing cheetos or girl scout cookies. This may have something to do with the fact that the box of Girl Scout Berry Cookies and Dulce de Leche disappeared mysteriously the day before. There are just some things we don't talk about.

Don't worry, both Dave and I got right back on the horse and are now riding off into the sunset of the elimination diet.

Mona Vs. The Elimination Diet

2011-02-25T10:31:00.001-08:00

I was on day 19 of the elimination diet when I realized something. Since about day 14 I hadn't been feeling well. My stomach was a constant wreck which made me never want to go anywhere, my energy was in the toilet and I was overall crabby and unhappy. So, I did something you are not supposed to do. I challenged wheat. To a duel. To the death.
Actually, challenging a food is when you re-introduce it back in to your diet and see how you feel. You eat the challenge food three times a day for two days and then go back off of it for two days and see what happens. You are supposed to save wheat and dairy for the last since they are both very common intolerances. But my stomach was screaming at me and rice and bananas wasn't doing the trick.
I am part way through the wheat challenge and here's what I have so far. I feel better than I have since I started the elimination diet. My stomach is finally settled and I feel like a normal human being again. Okay, it's still the first part of it and maybe tomorrow I'll start feeling crummy, but for right now I am singing the praises of wheat. This could be the phase where you get together with someone who's really hot and now you're kind of obsessed with them even though you have that funny feeling that maybe in three months you'll be bored and they won't be nearly as cool as you thought they were. That might happen with wheat. I had to restrain myself from polishing off an entire loaf of yummy wheat bread last night, even though I wasn't hungry. So though wheat (so far) agrees with my system it may be that we have to tone our relationship down. You know, lay off the PDA's and the heavy makeout sessions.
I also had a frustrating phone conversation with the new doctor where she admitted that I could be intolerant of ANY food and there really is no such thing as a safe food. So, yeah, the elimination diet actually could be CAUSING my problems and not helping them. Shrug. If it didn't take so many years of schooling that I would be dead before I finished, I swear to you people I would go back to school and be a doctor. Just to prove that doctors do NOT have to be this disinterested in their patients and the process of trying to get well. Is it too much to ask to develop a relationship with me? Do I need to buy you presents? Take you out to dinner? What?
So from here on out, I introduce you to my new doctor. His name is Doctor Google. Sometimes he's a quack and he gets it wrong, but he's always available when I need him and he's always willing to give out information. I admit, sometimes he tells me I have a brain tumor and that freaks me out a little. But then we just find another test and have a good laugh about the time we thought it was a tumor and aren't I glad that it turned out to be a mole.
xoxo
mona

Mona Sterling
---
www.monasterling.posterous.com
www.monasterling.com

We Have Heat!!

2011-02-19T17:30:00.001-08:00

I will make Dave get on the computer to tell the story of putting in the heater. My involvement was limited to turning the switch on and rejoicing in the feeling of warm air. Tomorrow we will check and see if the hot air is enough to actually heat the boat effectively. But we got it up to a balmy 54 degrees today. Practically tropical.
Head Update: I still haven't painted because it requires so much sanding. We're now discussing just putting up some vinyl board (or whatever that stuff is called) instead of painting. We also finally found a faucet to replace the nasty old one. It was a challenge to find a wall mount faucet with a 6 inch spread and a short spout but Dave tracked one down.
We also bought a new faucet for the galley to replace the leaky one which we will do tomorrow if we have time. And by 'we' I really mean Dave. I am not handy so my jobs are mostly cleaning and organizing.
If I remember I will take the camera down and have some pictures for tomorrow.
xoxo
mona

Mona Sterling
---
www.monasterling.posterous.com
www.monasterling.com

Day Six!

2011-02-09T21:38:00.001-08:00

I thought I'd be feeling better by day six when I wrote about the awfulness of day three but I haven't noticed any difference. It's getting harder to stay motivated, especially when I get a raging headache like I did today. I'm trying to avoid ibuprofen and any other drugs so I have just been in kind of a funky mood today. And by funky I mean I've been a bitch. Luckily, I had to call in for another hour session with T-Mobile where they couldn't resolve my problem so I got to let some of that steam off. Before you get all upset that I took my headache, elimination diet woes out on some poor soul at T-Mobile you should know that they TOTALLY deserved it. For some reason, they think it's okay that my phone worked just fine until they sent out some automatic update and then it stopped working and now that it's been updated, that function will never work again.
What?? Does this make any sense to you?? It didn't to me either but it sure did to the folks at T-Mobile. They explained that there is nothing they can do. I explained that I bought the phone so I could check email and if it doesn't check email it's a big waste of money. They suggested that I use my gmail account for all my email instead and then I wouldn't have this problem. I pointed out there wasn't a problem when I bought the phone which is WHY I bought the phone. They said there was nothing they could do. I suggested they could give me a new phone. No, they can't do that either. I asked if there was someone who could? No, no there wasn't. Can I speak to a supervisor? No, no you can't.
This is not the first run in I've had with T-Mobile. Why do I stay? Well, I'll tell you why. Because we're grandfathered in on the old MyFaves plan and we have four phone lines and I can talk to my pals for thousands of minutes a month (and I do sometimes!) and it doesn't cost us an arm and a leg. I generally get good cell service and my phone makes phone calls. So I'm staying. For now. And tomorrow I will be calling the fine folks at HTC who actually make my phone to see if they can give me any better news.
In health related news, I don't know....I'm hungry for real bread. And I want some wine. And a latte. I fantasize about which food I will add back in first. Will it be alcohol? Sugar? Bananas? I have to wait until the end to add in wheat and dairy so those will be the last two. Only 15 more days until I can add something back in. I will have a party that day. A food party. Where I will eat the challenge food with EVERY meal for two days! This is where alcohol would be dangerous. I have to add them in one at a time (red wine, white wine, beer) based on what they are made out of. I am also supposed to have "a hearty helping" of the challenge food at each meal. Which means there is the potential for me to be completely wasted by 10am on Friday February 25th. A little white wine for breakfast? Don't mind if I do! Oh, a hearty serving? Yes, add some more to that glass please. Plus, won't the rest of the elimination diet be so much easier if I'm drunk? Of course it will be.

Mona Sterling
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www.monasterling.posterous.com
www.monasterling.com

Little Sister Don't You...

2011-02-09T07:25:00.001-08:00

Little Sister by Elvis Presley
Download now or listen on posterous
15 Little Sister.mp3 (2570 KB)

I'm so into putting music on this so people 'get' my titles! Does it ruin the mystery for you or do you like it?
Today (okay, tomorrow actually but it's already tomorrow in Scotland so I'm posting this today even though Chelsea is in Paris and probably not checking my blog) is my baby sister Chelsea's birthday. In honor of her being 23 (You ARE turning 23 right? And I'm somewhere in my early thirties? Isn't that right? Right.) I wanted to post a bunch of awesome pictures from when she was little. Only I couldn't find the photo album with those pictures in it. Because back in the day you actually had to PRINT out photos and put them in photo albums. Then I thought I would post a bunch of awesome pictures of us together from the last few years. Only I couldn't find those photos either because I conveniently stored them on a backup somewhere. Somewhere being the operative word. Somewhere in the house most likely, but not somewhere where I can find them. So instead, I give you photos taken from the last weekend Chelsea was in the States. Oh did I not mention that she is currently living in Scotland getting her PhD? In the most awesomely quaint town you can imagine? So she's super smart, super hot (even with a mustache) and super sweet. I just hope I can do her justice.

Chelsea is on the left, me in the middle and my sister from another mister on the other side. It's sisters, sort of. Except the whole thing where Chelsea

and Katie aren't actually related. But they're both related to me!

I don't know why I'm making that face. Anyway, this post is about Chelsea, not about her angry older sister.

And finally, Chelsea with her favorite niece (helps to be the only!!).
Happy Birthday Chelsea!!! We miss you!

Mona Sterling
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www.monasterling.posterous.com
www.monasterling.com

Third Verse, Same as the First

2011-02-08T04:53:00.001-08:00

Just last night I was reminded of just how bad it had gotten and just how sick I had become.
-Violent Femmes, Prove My Love

Prove My Love by Violent Femmes
Download now or listen on posterous
06 - Prove My Love.mp3 (5281 KB)

Are you sick of hearing about elimination diets already? Me too. But I'm thinking that in my life, good things happen in threes and the third time is always right. So, once again, I'm going on the allergy elimination diet. Now that I have health insurance (insert chorus of angels singing here) I went in to see an actual doctor. We decided that since I am no longer surrounded by dogs and cats, I should re-try the elimination diet and see if it has an effect.
So here I am, halfway through day three. I haven't noticed any immediate changes, except that my body HATES raw things and I gained about four pounds yesterday in gas. I could have powered my own car yesterday with it. Thankfully, I bought some enzymes to try and help with that. I'm sure Dave is also grateful. I also think that day three is always the hardest. You don't feel any better, most of the time you feel worse and it just doesn't seem worth it. My headache had gone away for day one and two but is now barreling back for day three. Ugh.
Grocery shopping has been interesting. It's surprising how much stuff has wheat, corn or soy in it. And sugar. Holy crap, I didn't realize that sugar is in almost every thing in a package. And yes, I know, I shouldn't be eating things out of packages. But unless you're willing to come over and do the cooking for me then you should shut up. And if you do want to come over and do the cooking for me, you have to be able to cook without any dairy (Butter, I love you. I miss you. And some day I hope to be reunited with you. Dave may be the love of my life as a person, but butter, you are the food love of my life and I'm not sure a life without you is ok.), without any wheat, or corn or soy. It's challenging for sure. If you still want to come over and cook for me, I have lots of red wine I could ply you with. Dave has promised to make my lunches for me since I otherwise will be eating rice cakes with almond butter for the next three weeks.
So today we are celebrating the Super Bowl with avocados and rice crackers. Did I mention no alcohol? So we'll have avocados, rice crackers and water. Mmmm. And did I mention that Dave has decided to do the diet with me? Just to be supportive. I can hear the collective "Awwwwww." from here. Turtle however, is not as into it, and is currently eating a piece of cheese pizza and some Trader Joe's cookies. Bitch.
I'll report more as soon as there is more to report besides, "This sucks, why am I doing this for a third goddamn time when it didn't work the first two times?"
xoxo
mona

Mona Sterling
---
www.monasterling.posterous.com
www.monasterling.com

Little Sister Don't You...

2011-02-07T18:54:00.001-08:00

Little Sister by Elvis Presley
Download now or listen on posterous
15 Little Sister.mp3 (2570 KB)

I'm so into putting music on this so people 'get' my titles! Does it ruin the mystery for you or do you like it?
Today (okay, tomorrow actually but it's already tomorrow in Scotland so I'm posting this today even though Chelsea is in Paris and probably not checking my blog) is my baby sister Chelsea's birthday. In honor of her being 23 (You ARE turning 23 right? And I'm somewhere in my early thirties? Isn't that right? Right.) I wanted to post a bunch of awesome pictures from when she was little. Only I couldn't find the photo album with those pictures in it. Because back in the day you actually had to PRINT out photos and put them in photo albums. Then I thought I would post a bunch of awesome pictures of us together from the last few years. Only I couldn't find those photos either because I conveniently stored them on a backup somewhere. Somewhere being the operative word. Somewhere in the house most likely, but not somewhere where I can find them. So instead, I give you photos taken from the last weekend Chelsea was in the States. Oh did I not mention that she is currently living in Scotland getting her PhD? In the most awesomely quaint town you can imagine? So she's super smart, super hot (even with a mustache) and super sweet. I just hope I can do her justice.

Chelsea is on the left, me in the middle and my sister from another mister on the other side. It's sisters, sort of. Except the whole thing where Chelsea

and Katie aren't actually related. But they're both related to me!

I don't know why I'm making that face. Anyway, this post is about Chelsea, not about her angry older sister.

And finally, Chelsea with her favorite niece (helps to be the only!!).
Happy Birthday Chelsea!!! We miss you!

Mona Sterling
---
www.monasterling.posterous.com
www.monasterling.com

Third Verse, Same as the First

2011-02-07T07:46:00.001-08:00

Just last night I was reminded of just how bad it had gotten and just how sick I had become.
-Violent Femmes, Prove My Love

Prove My Love by Violent Femmes
Download now or listen on posterous
06 - Prove My Love.mp3 (5281 KB)

Are you sick of hearing about elimination diets already? Me too. But I'm thinking that in my life, good things happen in threes and the third time is always right. So, once again, I'm going on the allergy elimination diet. Now that I have health insurance (insert chorus of angels singing here) I went in to see an actual doctor. We decided that since I am no longer surrounded by dogs and cats, I should re-try the elimination diet and see if it has an effect.
So here I am, halfway through day three. I haven't noticed any immediate changes, except that my body HATES raw things and I gained about four pounds yesterday in gas. I could have powered my own car yesterday with it. Thankfully, I bought some enzymes to try and help with that. I'm sure Dave is also grateful. I also think that day three is always the hardest. You don't feel any better, most of the time you feel worse and it just doesn't seem worth it. My headache had gone away for day one and two but is now barreling back for day three. Ugh.
Grocery shopping has been interesting. It's surprising how much stuff has wheat, corn or soy in it. And sugar. Holy crap, I didn't realize that sugar is in almost every thing in a package. And yes, I know, I shouldn't be eating things out of packages. But unless you're willing to come over and do the cooking for me then you should shut up. And if you do want to come over and do the cooking for me, you have to be able to cook without any dairy (Butter, I love you. I miss you. And some day I hope to be reunited with you. Dave may be the love of my life as a person, but butter, you are the food love of my life and I'm not sure a life without you is ok.), without any wheat, or corn or soy. It's challenging for sure. If you still want to come over and cook for me, I have lots of red wine I could ply you with. Dave has promised to make my lunches for me since I otherwise will be eating rice cakes with almond butter for the next three weeks.
So today we are celebrating the Super Bowl with avocados and rice crackers. Did I mention no alcohol? So we'll have avocados, rice crackers and water. Mmmm. And did I mention that Dave has decided to do the diet with me? Just to be supportive. I can hear the collective "Awwwwww." from here. Turtle however, is not as into it, and is currently eating a piece of cheese pizza and some Trader Joe's cookies. Bitch.
I'll report more as soon as there is more to report besides, "This sucks, why am I doing this for a third goddamn time when it didn't work the first two times?"
xoxo
mona

Mona Sterling
---
www.monasterling.posterous.com
www.monasterling.com

Coming to a Head

2011-01-25T20:34:00.001-08:00

This is the aft head before. What is that hideous stuff you ask? It's cork. Marbled cork. There are two problems with this. One, it's the ugliest stuff I've ever seen on a wall. Even uglier than the blue and red plaid wallpaper my brother put up in his room when he was ten. Two, it's cork. Who in their right mind would put CORK in a boat bathroom?? What were they thinking? So I spent some time (and by time I'm talking in hours and hours) chipping away at the walls and trying not to gag. I lit some lovely scented candles while I worked, but that just resulted in the small space smelling like lime and vanilla scented barf. There's a special gross smell that comes from boat heads and the cork had just soaked it up like a big 'ol sponge. Peeee-uuuuuu.

Here is what they chose to accent the hideous cork board wall. It appears to be painted on marble or marble wallpaper. Classy, real classy.

So now that I have stripped down the walls, my next project is to fill the holes and then sand everything down and paint. Eventually we'll probably put up some white laminate, but for now we just want to get the walls treated so they're not bare wood. It's been satisfying to rip the stuff down and I can't wait to get to the painting it white part. But now I have that whole boring in between part. Which I'll probably be working on this weekend if anyone wants to come help or keep me company.
Dave also removed the actual head from the head since we decided you really don't need two on one boat. I mean it's not THAT big. So is still called a head if it doesn't have a head?

Mona Sterling
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www.monasterling.posterous.com
www.monasterling.com

A Very Judy Update

2011-01-24T20:57:00.001-08:00

Judy #1 - Fail. Fail. Fail.
Rule #1 when dealing with someone who says they are depressed and/or anxious: You must send them away with something. Hope. A plan. Some supplements. Even some valium. Instead I was sent away with nothing. Nada. Oh wait, I was told to write down every thing I ate, drank, felt, pooped, slept, and did for two weeks. She wanted me to pay special attention to how I was feeling after I got my hair done. That's right, her first instinct was the hair. Goddamn hair bleach is causing me to become anxious and depressed. Well, there's another reason to go dark brown isn't there?
Rule #2 when dealing with someone who says they are depressed and/or anxious: Do NOT make them deal with medical insurance people unless absolutely necessary.
Me: I need to know if my blood tests are going to be covered under my insurance.
Judy: How would I know? You have to check with your insurance.
Me: Uhh...okay. What tests are you going to run?
Judy: Just check what they cover.
Me: Okay
Two hours on the phone later, the lady from medical insurance tells me she can't tell me what tests they cover unless they have the code. And they only cover certain facilities. So I send an email to the clinic asking if I can use my own facility and what the codes are. They tell me they will email me the codes that afternoon. Two days pass. They ask me if I can find out if X facility is covered (which means another hour with medical insurance people) and they will try and get me the codes. It's now four days after my appointment and I'm still depressed and anxious and now I'm stuck in paperwork hell. So I did the only sensible thing. I called the whole thing off. I will be finding a doctor who employs a lovely front desk staff that can LOOK UP GODDAMN INSURANCE CODES for me while I deal with my health problems and NOT stupid insurance codes. If I wasn't so depressed I'd be launching a campaign about the futileness of this whole stupid system.
So now let's move on to something happier. Judy #2. I like her. She's kind but firm and alternately tells me how awesome I am and then kicks my ass.
I feel better already.

Mona Sterling
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www.monasterling.posterous.com
www.monasterling.com

Website 101

2011-01-14T15:15:00.001-08:00

I think I might be ready to re-vamp my website. The original one, not my blogging sites quite yet. Though obviously I've been messing with that too. I think my sisters and probably my older brother got all the design genes in the family, so it's a bit like doing calculus whenever I have to redo design issues. At least it's like doing calculus for me, which is about as hard as design issues. Though if I had to make a choice between designing website colors/themes etc and calculus, I'd probably pick calculus. That's not a great sign.
Anyways, my old website has not had anything touched since around 2009. That's practically vintage. So it needs some updating. Some changing. Some love. It needs a makeover. Maybe a new hair color, an eyebrow wax and a pair of jeans that actually fit.
Anyone have a favorite website format they use? Mine was built by someone who knows what they are doing (initially) and then handed over to me. Which was good in theory but then when I had to update things I would spend hours banging my head against my deck and yelling "Why? Why?". So I'd like my next website to be easy to make and easy to update AND look awesome. I've been thinking about i-web since I sort of use that right now, but I'm not sure if they can get me a solid website or if mine will end up looking like a five year old with a Mac built it. Of course, these days, a five year old with a Mac would probably kick my ass in website building. Which gives me an idea....... Oh Turtle! Where are you?

Mona Sterling
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www.monasterling.posterous.com
www.monasterling.com

Hey Jude...I mean Judy

2011-01-12T10:12:00.001-08:00

These last few months have been hard for me. Surprising right? I have everything I've ever wanted. Awesome husband? Check. Great place to live? Check. Fabulous daughter? Check. Supportive family and friends? Double check. And yet...and yet. I've been depressed and anxious. I'm not exactly sure why. Some magical combination of not knowing where I'm going in my life (remember my dog and cat allergy crisis?) and not having anything else to focus on. Sure, there's always the overwhelming project of THE BOAT that I could focus on, but that increases my anxiety instead of decreasing it.
I reached critical mass this weekend. Which meant it was a perfect storm of crying, being a total bitch (did I mention I have an awesome husband? One who lets my shit storm just roll right off his back and tells me that he loves me still. Seriously? How did I get so lucky?!), and laying around in my pajamas complaining about how I've been miserable MY WHOLE LIFE. This is what happens when you're depressed. You forget that you were ever happy. Even if it was only five minutes ago. Depression has a way of eating away at your memory and convincing you that you were always this miserable and you will always be this miserable for ever and ever, Amen. Depression is the slickest of used car salesman, upgrading you from discontent to disaster and adding on the extras of anxiety and anger. Can't pay now? No problem! You have years and years and only ten percent interest. Just sign here.....
Well, depression, you can suck it. I now have the force of not one, but TWO Judys on my side. First up at bat is Judy the Nurse Practitioner. She will be making sure my physical being is in tip top shape. She will poke and prod and probably take some blood. She may even recommend kick boxing lessons. That VERY SAME DAY is Judy #2. Judy #2 is Counselor Judy. I will call her Judy the Brave from now on because I have decided she is going to be my knight (Knight-ess? What are girl knights called??) in shining armor and I will forever imagine her with a flaming sword and a large shield, standing like the Statue of Liberty and sneering down at Depression who suddenly looks much smaller, fatter and has a big bald spot on the top of his head. Judy the Brave is going to help me get my head out of my ass and or my ass out of my head. Together, the Judys and I are going to run Depression right out of town.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah nah, Hey Jude
Jude, Jude, Judy, Judy, Judy Judy Yeeeeeeaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!

In a Cabin

2011-01-10T19:52:00.001-08:00

Lived a miner and his dauuuuuggghter Clementine. You're welcome. You now will have that song stuck in your head for the rest of today and may possibly wake up tomorrow morning with it inexplicably stuck in your head.
I spent New Years weekend in a cabin with some dear friends. Here are some pictures for you. Actually, I may even go back to Christmas to revisit for a moment. Chronologically, ya know.

This is the gingerbread house my sister built. The pictures a little fuzzy, but it's clear that the cinnamon bears have bitten the head off of one gingerbread person and the other one is coming around the corner witnessing the horror. Merry Christmas from Katie.

Christmas morning. We asked Turtle to look excited. She's not much of a morning person (she slept in until 8:30 on Christmas morning) so this was the best she could muster up. When she's older she'll probably be saying things like "Not until I've had my coffee people."

Why this picture? Because this is day one in the cabin and Allie and Jill seem to be contemplating what's on her cracker. I have an affinity for pictures like these. I also like that you can see the chip-fest on top of the fridge. We were only at this cabin for the weekend but all of us were worried we might starve to death, so we overcompensated with extraordinary amounts of bread and chips.

Dave and Allie watching the water.

In case you thought it was warm out, notice Dave's glove. But he's still drinking an ice cold beer goddammit!

A lot of the weekend looked like this. Cards, chips and booze. A good weekend.

There were also candles and yummy meals.

New Years Eve. Yes, there were only four of us. But we were wasted enough for all six of us, as evident by Dave's expression. On a side note, as I was writing this I laughed so hard at this picture that Turtle got out of bed and came out to look at it. She advised me to never take this off the internet because it's hilarious. I agree, Turtle. I agree.

The day after. I went on a long walk and some of the ladies played cards.

I look so gangsta with Baby Chicken. Baby Chicken is something Turtle got for easter. It chirps when you hold it or put it on any hard surface. Somehow Baby chicken ended up in my purse and now randomly chirps. He especially likes to chirp in movie theatres.

This is my favorite group shot. I do apologize to Allie who looks like she may be having a seizure in this photo. Probably from too much drinking and coffee and card playing. Did I mention coffee yet? Allie makes the most amazing coffee in the whole entire world. I quit caffeine a while ago but that didn't stop me from having multiple cups of Allie's brew.
There were tons more awesome photos, but only so much room. I'm pretty sure this was my most favorite New Years ever. Next year, we'll have Turtle which means there will pictures of us roasting marshmallows and playing Hello Kitty Bingo.
xoxo
mona
www.monasterling.posterous.com
www.monasterling.com

New Year, New List

2011-01-04T15:06:00.001-08:00

Though I don't do resolutions, I totally make lists. I love lists. I have a magnetic notepad on my fridge where I keep a running grocery list. I make to do lists any time I decide to take on a project. Nevermind that my to do lists are often left undone or found buried under a pile of paperwork that listed as Number 4, File Paperwork. I like making lists. So every year I make a list of things I want to do in the following year. I don't tend to write things down like "Go to the gym every day" or "Eat organic" or really anything lofty. My list is not a pass/fail kind of list. Any thing that I don't get done this year will just be transferred to next years list or dropped without much ado. Mainly it's a list so that I don't forget what it was I wanted to do.

I am well known for my lack of memory skills. Friends tease me (sometimes gently, sometimes not) about how I can't remember things I've said even yesterday. What's that? I said I would come over and visit? Did you remind me? Did I write that down? If it doesn't make it into written form, I can pretty much guarantee that I won't remember it. It's not that I don't have good intentions or that I don't mean what I say, it's just that there is a disconnect for me unless it goes from mouth to pen to paper or to computer keys. I also suffer from the very common lapse of memory when you finally are at the store and suddenly forget everything you've ever wanted. I got an i-tunes gift certificate for Christmas (you're awesome Hilary!) and as soon as I logged on to I-Tunes could not think of a single album that I needed. There's TONS of music I want but faced with actual time and money to buy them, I blanked. The only thing I could think of was that I needed to replace Prince's Purple Rain album and would that be a travesty to own on a computer instead of vinyl. Which also reminded me of the actual purple vinyl single of Prince's Purple Rain that I used to own that had this bizarre song on the B side called God and which now (according to this link) is worth about $31.00. Also, the extended version of Purple Rain is over 8 minutes. Which, when you are 14 and wallowing in your teenage angst, is 8 minutes of heaven.

Now that I have distracted myself and had to take a break to google a bunch of random Prince stuff (oooh!oooh!For my big birthday this year maybe I should have a freaking PURPLE RAIN PARTY!!) I should get back to what I was going to give you. Without further rambling here is my list for 2011. If you have other things you think I should add, it's a pretty short list at this point.

-Master a flaming dessert. Not just learn to make one, but master it. I've made flaming desserts but they've been more sputtering than flaming so I really want to have one that I can nail every time. Because dessert is awesome but flaming dessert is amazing.

-Go to New Mexico. I had a dream about ten years ago that I should go to New Mexico. Obviously I'm not great about follow up on dreams but I'm finally getting around to doing it. Maybe I'll have some sort of epiphany out there..who knows.

-Read 2 profound books. It should be noted that I read a lot of books and I read quickly. I want to read the kind of books that are life changing. I need suggestions. Again, not just good reads but a book that changed your life. It should be noted I've already read Eckhart Tolle and Deepak Chopra.

-Have a fancy multi course meal. You know, at one of those places where you don't choose what you're going to eat, they just serve it to you. Though I will not eat veal. Ever. Ever. Ever.

-Learn to tie 2 useful knots. I should also say these should be sailing knots. I already know a quick release knot for horses, but now that I'm going to be a boat bitch I should learn sailing knots.

-Take some riding lessons where you do something with cattle. Like team penning or roping or something.

-Try tantric sex. Probably too much information, but it's on my list. Dave swears we've done it before but I didn't write it down so I have no memory of it. So it's going on the list and this time I'll write it down.

-Get a turtle tatto. For Turtle. Duh. Tattoo artist recommendations gladly welcomed.

-Try acupuncture for my anxiety. I know, I know. There's a bunch of you that are shaking your heads like, "Duh. We've been telling you this for an entire year." But now I have medical insurance.

Alright 2011, let's do this!!

You Say It's Your Birthday

2010-12-30T09:38:00.001-08:00

December is always a crazy month. At some point during my Thanksgiving turkey coma, December sneaks in the back door and by the time I've roused myself off the couch the month is half gone. The holidays for me kick off in earnest with my birthday, the week before Christmas.
I need to remember to take more pictures of events. Maybe that will be my New Years Resolution. We forgot to take pictures of the first part of the evening which was when the kids were playing a cut throat game of Hello Kitty Bingo. Charlotte also learned how to slide down the stairs on her stomach thanks to Brian's kids. Sometimes I forget that Charlotte's so used to hanging out with grown ups that she misses out on things like sliding down the stairs on your stomach. For those of you who think you're kids at heart and YOU would slide down on your stomach, I challenge your 40 year old butts to get over here and try it. It's rougher than it sounds!
And now, here it is. My birthday. In pictures.

The table all holidayed out. Notice my giant HEPA filter on the left there. That's next to the Christmas tree so I can still breathe. Now that Christmas is over we stuck the tree out on the deck. Usually I like to keep trees up until New Years but this year I just wanted to breathe properly. Look at me getting my priorities in line!

This is more what it looked like after there were actual people there.

Stan and Lauren gave me the most awesome giant magnetic mustache.

We just couldn't seem to get all the girls to stop being silly to get a picture.

So we added in the guys. This is the most normal one of the bunch.

I obviously needed to run away from those crazy people.

There are a few unexplained things going on in this photo. I'm not sure I even want to know.

Does this photo even need a caption besides WTF?
And here are three adorable pictures to finish this up. Nickie in Princess Mouse ears, the cutest couple in the entire universe (also known as Stan and Lauren), and Dave and his adorable daughter, Jordan.
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www.monasterling.posterous.com
www.monasterling.com

See and download the full gallery on posterous

The Perils of Christmas Trees

2010-12-07T10:40:00.001-08:00

You think this is going to be about the Christmas tree falling over right? Or maybe it's about losing the Christmas tree off the top of the car. That would be perilous for sure. Sadly, this would all be more dramatic and make funnier stories than the truth. Which is short and simple and sucks ass. I am allergic to the Christmas tree.
It's not the actual tree that I'm allergic to (thank you Dr. Google) it's the mold that it brings in (I think). We got the tree on Sunday and by Monday my poor ear was ringing so loud I thought the Salvation Army dude was in our house. Which led to a rant about Salvation Army and how bad I feel whenever I pass by the people ringing their bells and I won't put money in because the Salvation Army is anti-gay. It's like the Boy Scouts. Crap, I feel terrible when I can't buy the Boy Scouts' popcorn from the cute little seven year old with the missing front teeth. And I can't really stop and explain to him that the organization doesn't support gay people and that's discrimination and even though the little seven year old may not have any idea of it, some of the money that I would give him would go towards it and that's just not right. You gotta do your homework before you give money these days.
Sometimes because the company is anti-gay and sometimes because the company is stupid.
My sister and I once donated money online to a place that planted trees in exchange for your money. We each planted two trees and went around that day high fiving each other about how we lowered our carbon footprint. The next week a ten page glossy colored newsletter from the tree planting company showed up. Each of us got one. When we called to request that they not send us catalogs made from paper made from trees after WE JUST DONATED MONEY TO PLANT NEW TREES AND NOT FOR YOUR STUPID GODDAMN NEWSLETTER, they said that wasn't possible. That the newsletters were automatically generated every time you donated. The woman on the phone did not seem to see our logic about not sending out paper products made from trees to people who had donated money to plant trees. What a waste.....
Oooh, where was I? I got all caught up in my self righteousness.... Trees. Christmas trees. Yeah, so much for short and simple eh? So I'm allergic to the Christmas tree. Which is not okay on an epic level. I love Christmas. I love Christmas trees. It is unacceptable to not have a tree. It would be like canceling Christmas. So we're running a HEPA filter downstairs to see if that helps. If that doesn't work, Dr. Google suggests taking the tree outside and hosing it off and then letting it dry in the garage. Which means un-decorating the whole thing (which is 7 feet btw, not a quick project) before taking it out to hose it off.
Allergies are ridiculous. Mine seem to be especially ridiculous and aimed only at things I love. First it was dogs and now it's Christmas trees?!?! What's next? If you say ponies you risk me coming over to your house and throttling you so you should probably not suggest it.
The good news is that I have medical insurance and can now go see a doctor about my allergies. And get acupuncture (I think....insurance is funny about acupuncture) and maybe, just maybe, solve this shit once and for all! The other good news is that it's Christmas time AND it's my birthday month so it's hard to stay in a bad mood. I'll just crank up the Christmas music and add more rum to my egg nog. Happy Holidays indeed!!
xoxo
mona

Mona Sterling
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www.monasterling.posterous.com
www.monasterling.com

Identity Crisis

2010-11-23T19:59:00.001-08:00

Sometimes you have moments of such utter clarity in your life that you wonder how you could have EVER overlooked it. Moments where the trees part and you suddenly aren't seeing the forest OR the trees. Instead you see a path, wide open before you and ready for you to follow it. I'm not having one of those moments. Instead, I'm having a moment of being obsessed with the trees. With the needles on the trees. The kind of tree it is. And ohmygod is that a spider on that tree? And what if that tree falls over? Or what if this forest goes on forEVER and I'm lost and will just spend the rest of my life looking at the same trees. And I don't even like trees all that much!
I recently had to leave my job because it was making me sick. It wasn't the kind of sickness where you hit the alarm every morning with dread or anything like that. I liked my job and I was quite good at it. I made decent money and got to help animals. The hours and days were flexible and I had tangible results and a cool boss. Perfect. Except for one thing. I was allergic to dogs and cats. My job involved dogs and cats. Every day. So over the course of a year I tried allergy treatments. I went to the best Allergy/Asthma center in the state. I took vitamins. I took drugs. I tried every new age therapy available. I did elimination diets. I ate kale smoothies. If that isn't trying I don't know what is. If it was out there, I tried it. Even if it was REALLY out there. Seriously, I would have done a naked Full Moon ceremony if I thought it would have made a difference. When I finally put two and two together (math not being my strong suit) I realized that it was my job making me sick. Coming into contact daily with dogs and cats was giving me a host of symptoms that were continuing to get worse. So I did the only sensible thing...I quit.
I have been in the pet industry for almost 17 years. 17 years people. That's a teenager graduating high school. I have 17 years experience and now I'm allergic to dogs and cats (thanks pregnancy, thanks) and need to find something new. So now what? I could go back to school and finish a degree, but in what? Is there something I'm so passionate about that I would want to suffer through college? I know some of you (Chelsea, I'm TOTALLY looking at you) LOVE school but I suck at it. Really. I'd just rather not. So I've taken some career tests. I even went so far as to buy a book called The Passion Test where you figure out your passion. I think I was not paying enough attention to the rules because if I'm following my passion I'm not really working at all, but instead hanging out with horses. I appreciate the idea of 'Do What You Love' but what if you have multiple loves and can't decide which one to do? Then what? I'll tell you what happens...you drive your husband crazy by asking all kinds of "what would you do" questions and then telling him that he doesn't know what he's talking about because he's NOT YOU. Then you drink a bottle of wine and watch bad 80's movies on Netflix because you've cancelled cable since you quit your job. You join a writing group to see if you want to be a writer and you end up hanging out at the Redmond Senior Center with your new 75 year old girlfriends. You write five bad songs and decide being a musician sucks and that you suck at it. You have another bottle of wine. You read some books on writing and cry about how you'll never even be able to write as good as the people who are writing about HOW to write. Which calls for more wine. Then you take a bath. Then you pester your husband some more about "Seriously, what should I be dooooiiiing with my life." Then you have some more wine which leads to another sob fest about how you're only qualified to work at Walmart and you're almost 40 and you've wasted your life. More wine. More whine. It's hard to tell the difference these days. Now if I just had some cheese to go with my whine....I mean, my wine. Mmmmm.....cheese.
xoxo
mona

Mona Sterling
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www.monasterling.posterous.com
www.monasterling.com

Stumble Upon

2010-11-02T16:09:00.001-07:00

I have no idea who recommended this website to me, though I'm guessing it was my sister Chelsea since she is younger, smarter and way more technologically advanced than I am. She's the reason I'm even on Facebook and not still mucking about Myspace wondering where everyone is. Which means I can also blame Chelsea for my total Facebook addiction. Thanks for hooking me on crack sister. I owe you one.
So, back to Stumbleupon.com. I am still not exactly sure what this website does. It said that it personalizes your internet experience for you. It takes what you're interested in, then it links to your Facebook (which kind of skeeves me out because I just have a feeling it's going to post all my website searches on Facebook and then everyone will know that I was looking up things like "how to boil an egg" and "how to tell if your kid has pink eye") and then it just brings up pages for you. The idea is that you don't have to work as hard to find the things that you're interested in. So I bite. And after signing up and clicking some boxes with my interests (family, writing, celebrities, astrology..the usual...) here's what Stumbleupon takes me to.
http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/1KXDir/en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Awilda
Yes. It's a wikipedia entry on Awilda, a female pirate. What? What box did I click that said "I want to read about female pirates"? Was it that I said I was interested in astrology? Celebrity? Where did I go wrong? Okay, moving on. I click again. Here's click number two.
http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/1GXlSe/www.youtube.com/watch%253Fv%253DtJD2xlVcgRI
WHaaaa???!!! Go watch this video. And then tell me WHY Stumbleupon thought I needed to see it.
Last but not least, my third click.
http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/9LBPga/www.wowzone.com/whattree.htm
Yes folks, this is What Tree Did You Fall From. It's not enough to have your birth planets, your chinese horoscope, your Meyers Briggs Personality test...you must also know what tree you fell from. In my case, I fell from the fig tree (mmmm...figs wrapped with bacon!) and it says (among other things) that I like idleness and laziness. So I better get back to laying on the couch doing nothing.
xoxo
mona

Mona Sterling
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www.monasterling.posterous.com
www.monasterling.com

Third Time's The Charm

2010-10-28T19:35:00.001-07:00

What happened to October? One minute I was trying to push September out the door and the next minute October is slamming it in my face! Crikes!! October has been a crazy month. I got married, went on a honeymoon, went on another honeymoon, went on a third honeymoon. Doesn't everyone have three honeymoons? They should! That way if the first two honeymoons don't quite live up to your expectations you can make sure your third one does. And for the record mine did. Here's Mona's Honeymoon Recaps.
Honeymoon #1 Affectionately known as Dave's Honeymoon or Mona's Honeymoon from Hell
Sailed from Guemes Island to La Conner. This part wasn't bad. It was short and not too cold. We walked around La Conner, had a lovely lunch, did some more walking, had a lovely dinner and then headed back to the boat. The next morning we set off for Langley. This is where things took a decidedly worse turn. I hadn't realized how exhausted I would be after planning and executing a wedding for 150 people on an island. I was tired and cold and starting to get sick. Sailing did not help since I just didn't have the right gear (still!). My problem is that all of my layers were cotton. So even though I had my fancy foul weather gear over it, I still froze to death. Add to that the exhaustion and you get an unhappy Mona. I spent most of the day below deck huddled up under a blanket trying to sleep. At some point I came out and we had some chicken soup and I started bawling. Because I was on my honeymoon and eating chicken soup and hot dog rolls. Yes, hot dog rolls. It was not a good moment. And I felt terribly guilty that I was crying because this was just what Dave wanted. And Dave felt terribly guilty because he didn't want me to be unhappy but we were in the middle of nowhere and there wasn't much he could do. So I sobbed, we both felt guilty and then we had a good talk and moved on. By moved on, I mean we turned on the motor to GET SOMEWHERE. Somewhere with a warm restaurant. Preferably with a fire place and a decent wine list. That somewhere was Langley, WA.
By the time we got the Langley it was dark and I was still freezing. Langley turned out to be a creepy dark dock like you see in horror films. There was one guy working on his boat and he had lights set up. He probably was sawing bodies somewhere in the cabin of his cruiser but we didn't stay around to see. There was nowhere to dock and the only restaurant we could see was up on a hill and not in walking distance. You can imagine how this went over with me. Yeah, I may have lost it a little bit. So we headed back out to the next nearest port, Kingston.
It's dark. It's cold. And it's dark and cold. We are hours from Kingston. I put in earplugs and go below to try and get warm and sleep. Or pout. I did a bit of both. Around 10:45 I pop up and we're almost there. Thank God. Kingston is pretty straightforward (though the next morning we notice there are two GIANT cement things that we might have run into and just by the grace of God didn't...) and we slide into a nice, well lit, cement dock. We quickly tie up and head to the nearest pub for some food. No go. They're not serving food. But the joint three blocks up the street might be. We should check there. Three blocks later we are accosted by drunk people and ignored by the bartender. Finally we find out they are not serving food either. So we walk another few blocks up the street to the grocery store. Closed. Right. It's 11pm on a Monday and we're in some tiny little town that has a ferry dock and little else. We finally eat at the ONLY place available. It's the first and only time in eleven years I've ever seen Dave eat at McDonalds.
The next morning we head out early to get back to the dock. The day is clear and sunny and though there isn't wind and we have to motor, we make good time and are back to the dock before I can freeze my ass off. I've never been so glad to be off a boat in my life. I just want a hot shower and a warm bed. And possibly a bottle or two of wine before we leave for Honeymoon #2 the next morning.
Honeymoon #2 Turtle's Honeymoon or Mona's Other Honeymoon from Hell
Early Wednesday morning I pop my xanax, grab my suitcase and we board the plane for California. Sunny, sunny California. Finally. I will be warm. Except the day we arrive is cold and rainy and full of thunderstorms. WTF? Seriously? Oh well. Maybe we can just hang out in the hotel room. As it turns out, we're staying in the one hotel that Disney is remodeling. So during the day there's construction workers, remodeling noise and all sorts of fun things. And cable? Not really. You don't even get re-runs of Disney movies! Cheap, Disney. Cheap.
The rest of this honeymoon can be summed up pretty quickly. I hate crowds. I hate lines. I hate rides. What the hell am I doing at Disneyland? Right. Having a honeymoon with a four year old. A four year old who only wanted to go on two rides because when I took her on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride she cried. About halfway through the ride she started sobbing, "Mommy, this is terrible. This is the worst-est ride I've EVER been on. NEVER make me ride this again!!". From there on out she didn't trust my choice in rides. She almost didn't go on Small World because she thought it might be scary. So I'm stuck with lines, crowds AND I win the worst mommy award for taking her on a scary ride. Sigh.
The best part of this honeymoon was the ONE day it was sunny out and 75 degrees, we went to the pool and just hung out. I got to read, drink a little, swim in the pool and generally have a good time. So for four hours (we have a four year old, remember? We don't do things longer than a few hours....) I had a good time.
Honeymoon #3 The Do-Over
It only took me a few days back from Honeymoon's 1 and 2 to realize that I was totally unsatisfied and still felt like I needed a honeymoon. So I booked Dave and I a room for a weekend without Turtle at a place on the ocean. The same place he proposed at. The place with a fireplace, a soaking tub overlooking the ocean, a kitchen and a soaking tub overlooking the ocean. Yes, the tub was THAT good. I had to mention it twice. And over the weekend I must have used it at least five times. It was stormy and cold and the perfect weekend to spend cooking (or in my case eating Dave's cooking), drinking wine,reading books, taking baths and just hanging out indoors together. I was warm. I was well fed. I was well taken care of. And it was perfect. Sometimes it takes a few tries to get there but we always get it right eventually.

Mona Sterling
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www.monasterling.posterous.com
www.monasterling.com

High Fives

2010-10-12T20:59:00.001-07:00

It's funny because there has been so much going on in my life and there is just no way to churn it out into a blog. I think mostly because it feels really private. I'm not particularly well known for sharing deep emotional moments. I mean, my sisters and I high five each other. And they're some of my best friends ever. I'm not the person people call when they want sympathy and a big hug. No, I'm the one they call when they need a decent ass kicking. Or cheering up. So rather than me try and write something deep and emotional about what's been going on for the last few weeks, I'll just put up some pictures. I will also say that I'm a total crier. I know, it doesn't go well with the same girl who high fives instead of hugs, but there it is. And you should know that over the last three weeks I have done some serious crying. Some frustrated crying, some sad crying, some sick crying but most of all tears of joy. Because this has been the best year ever. My friend Fawn summed it up perfectly when she posted on Facebook "Your life is Rad." Yes. My life is Rad.

Mona Sterling
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www.monasterling.posterous.com
www.monasterling.com

See and download the full gallery on posterous

C-C-C-Cold

2010-10-10T20:21:00.001-07:00

We've gone sailing a few times this fall. We didn't really have much of a summer so even if the boat HAD been here for the summer we wouldn't have had a whole lot better weather. I'm slowly getting to know the JR and starting to feel a little less overwhelmed. But I keep running into one problem. I'm cold. Not just a little uncomfortable kind of cold, but COLD. Crabby cold. Freezing cold. Numb fingers and toes kind of cold. Here's a picture of me before I got cold. I'm wearing long johns, long wool socks, jeans, foul weather pants (these are like ski pants) long sleeve shirt, sweatshirt, another sweatshirt and a hat and gloves. And for a moment when I was in the sun and there was no wind, I was comfortable. Then I put on my heavy jacket and was comfortable for another few minutes. And then I was cold.

Here's Dave that same day. Dressed in about half what I was wearing and perfectly comfortable. Jerk.

So obviously I need better clothing to keep me warm. I want your opinions. What's the best way to keep warm? I'm not a warm person in general (I mean, really...can't you tell how ice cold and bitchy I am yet??) and the wind just seems to cut right through me. This is going to put a damper on our winter sailing and I KNOW that Capt. Dave is itching to take her out again. So please give me suggestions on how to stay warm. And no, we won't be trading her in for a cozy warm power boat any time soon.
xoxo
mona
Mona Sterling
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www.monasterling.posterous.com
www.monasterling.com

Where I've Been

2010-09-30T11:48:00.001-07:00

Sorry I haven't been posting much. Here's a small sample of what I've been working on. Yes, this does say Lasagna Schedule. I have spent more hours of my life than I care to admit learning about lasagnas. How long to cook them if you have two, how long if one has meat and the other doesn't, how long if it's a small oven, a large oven, an old oven, how hot the oven should be depending on which kind of lasagna you're cooking and coordinating how to make them all come out of the oven AT THE SAME TIME. Phew.
Now times this experience by about 150 other items for 130 people and you have an idea of what life has been like at my house. Needless to say it has involved a lot of alcohol, a few tears and maybe a few xanax (and NO, I didn't take the xanx WITH the alcohol. And I don't get in hot tubs when I'm drunk either. The Safety Police would kick my ass and I'd probably die.)
I

Mona Sterling
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www.monasterling.posterous.com
www.monasterling.com

What I Learned About Airbrush Tanning

2010-09-19T20:54:00.001-07:00

I decided to try airbrush tanning. I have a backless dress to wear in October and was hoping that getting a little color on my skin would make my back look smoother. Especially if I break out at all. And, yes. I am THAT vain. Shut up. At least I'm not going to the tanning beds and getting insta-cancer.
I exfoliated my entire body, left off the moisturizer and headed down to the local tanning salon. The girl there was VERY nice. She said I could go naked or in whatever clothing I'd like. She assured me that she'd seen it all so I shouldn't be shy. She gave me weird paper feet things to stand on and left the room so I could change. I hemmed and hawed and modesty won out. I wore my underwear. I figured it'd be like wearing a swimsuit bottom.
She comes back in and begins to spray me. You basically stand there while she airbrushes and blowdries you. It's kind of a weird experience but not totally unpleasant. It took about 15 minutes. I couldn't shower for 4-6 hours but since it was night time that really wasn't a huge issue. The bronzer does come off on your clothes and your sheets but it washes right out the next day.
Overall, I've been pretty happy with how the tan looks. It's not too orange-y and especially after a few days gives me that subtle glow I'm looking for. I have some tips though if you're thinking about getting an airbrush tan.
1. Wear a g-string or nothing. Otherwise your ass looks like a great white whale. Of course, if you're one of those that needs more junk in the trunk this could be a good trick.
2. Exfoliate AND moisturize your feet. Or they will look like the feet of an East Indian with liver spots. You probably also want to rub it in and a little under your feet when they are done. I had ridiculous lines at the soles of my feet. Here's some pictures to prove my point. Especially when you see them next to Turtle's white little piggly wigglies.
.
3. Don't shave right before going in or the solution will settle in your pores and make you look speckled.
There's one other problem that I haven't solved and that's the workout/sweat problem. I've been working out recently and working up a good sweat (and by good I mean I have soaked through my sports bra, shirt, underwear and pants. It's ridiculous really.) and found that I actually have sweated off some of the tan where my sports bra is. I'm going to ask them about this next time I see them. I know I have really acidic sweat (perfume often turns to vinegar on me.) so maybe that's the problem. Otherwise, I'll just do the logical thing when I go back for my second time.....stop working out.

Mona Sterling
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www.monasterling.posterous.com
www.monasterling.com

See and download the full gallery on posterous

A Three Hour Tour

2010-09-16T16:42:00.001-07:00

What started as a casual day sail on a warm sunny Saturday became a spur of the moment trip to Liberty Bay. The weather was warm, the wind was just enough to get us going somewhere and we were both ready for some serious time on the boat together. So we just kept going. Despite the fact that we did not have pillows, blankets or much in the way of food, we sailed off into the sunset. We arrived at Liberty Bay at sunset and set our anchor. Then we enjoyed some steak, a bottle of wine and we may or may not have played adult card games. I forgot how much fun it can be to not have a television or a clock or a toddler.

At about 3am the wind kicked up a bit. Dave had to get up numerous times to keep halyards from clanging and just to check on the boat. We checked the weather report and it says light winds 5-10 mph from the South for Sunday. We stayed relatively warm and were ready to head home the next morning. That's when the fun began.
7:30 a.m. - There's no coffee on the boat. And no hot water. And no propane for the stove. And no bananas for breakfast.
8:00 a.m. - Firing up the engine to leave anchor. Engine won't start .
8:01 a.m. - Set sail and tack back and forth between other anchored boats in harbor. We don't hit any boats.
8:30 a.m. - Still no coffee.
9:30 a.m. - Wind is flukey and it takes forever to cross small bay.
11:30 a.m. - Wind is still flukey and it's still taking forever
11:31 a.m. - I NEED COFFEE!
12:00 p.m. - Entering Puget Sound. Winds 5-10 my ass. There are whitecaps on the waves and the boat is steadily heeled over. The wind is freezing. I am freezing, despite my foul weather gear. -
12:05 p.m. - Still....no....goddamned....coffee.
12:30 p.m. - Boat handles weather well. We make good time across the Sound.
1:00 p.m. - Shilshole is in our sights. Get motor started. Hooray!
1:30 p.m. - The dock! Get docked without crashing. Neighbor helps.
1:31 p.m. - I sprint to the car and head to the nearest coffee shop. Two sips later, I'm in heaven. God I love coffee.
So, note to self. ALWAYS have coffee on the boat. I'll drink it made with cold water if I have to, but I have to have it.

Mona Sterling
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www.monasterling.posterous.com
www.monasterling.com

It's All About The Gear

2010-09-09T15:05:00.001-07:00

New sailing jacket: Check
New bibs (that's what they call sailing overalls apparently): Check
Mustache: Check
I'm ready to go sailing.

Mona Sterling
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www.monasterling.posterous.com
www.monasterling.com

Can You Read This?

2010-09-06T19:33:00.001-07:00

I'm checking to see if adjusting the font size on my email post will change it on the blog. I also need your feedback. Do you like the black with white writing or does it give you a headache? Although I think it looks pretty cool, I'm wondering if people would like it better if it was white with grey writing. Much easier on the eyes maybe? I also changed it so you don't have to be logged in to comment. So nobody will know it was YOU that said I was an idiot. Go ahead. Have at it!
xoxo
mona

Mona Sterling
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www.monasterling.posterous.com
www.monasterling.com

Shamed!

2010-09-06T10:27:00.001-07:00

I had a show this weekend with 80's Invasion. During the break I was weaving my way through the crowd when someone stopped me. She looked vaguely familiar. Then she said this, "Hey Mona. It's Stacey. Your jazzercise instructor!". Yes. My jazzercise instructor. Who I have not seen in a month because I HAVE NOT GONE TO CLASS! Damn my platinum hair! Damn my red cheeks! There is no hiding in the back row of a Redmond Jazzercise class.
I love that she came out to my show. I also love that I feel guilty enough that I'm totally going back to jazzercise.... tomorrow.

Mona Sterling
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www.monasterling.posterous.com
www.monasterling.com

This Time with Feeling

2010-09-03T20:53:00.001-07:00

We took the boat out again tonight. It was just Dave, me, Turtle and my lovely friend Allison. And by lovely I mean ever loving and patient. Good GOD that woman is patient. We sailed for about an hour and a half and for at least the first hour my darling Turtle was whining and I was alternating between hissing things at her (Remember when your parents would do this. Like they were thinking that nobody would notice that they were telling you to "SHUT UP" but in their best whisper/hiss. Yeah, it's still noticeable. Right Allison?) and blatantly losing it with her. Turtle wanted to go below. She hated the life jacket. She was cold. She kept hitting her head from falling over with the life jacket on. She wanted to go below. She didn't like the wind. She wanted to go below. She couldn't stand up. She wanted to go below. I swear. to. God. I. almost. killed. her. Seriously. My anxiety this last month has already been mounting. The pressures of the boat and the wedding have been adding up and with less than a month to go, I'm pretty sure I'll run out of Xanax. And yet Allison smiled and chatted and did a lovely job of pretending not to notice my meltdowns.
Luckily Dave and Allison teamed up to successfully sail the boat while I sat and held Charlotte and occasionally threatened her. The wind was good, the weather was gorgeous and the boat felt pretty damn good. Getting her into the dock was a bit more challenging. There was a lot more wind than there was last time. And by a lot more, I mean there actually WAS a breeze. So though I did the part I was told to you (loop this line over the aft cleat. done!) the bow of the boat started quickly drifting into our neighbors. Who were, of course, up on their boat eating dinner. Thankfully, Dave launched himself off the boat and grabbed the bowline and pulled her in. Phew. Still, I have to wonder how we will ever sail this boat when it's just me, Dave and Turtle. Maybe we need to wait until Turtle is old enough to crew. Nothing like a little child labor to keep the boat going. Here's a picture that does not capture the push and pull of mother vs. daughter. Instead it makes it look like WE'RE HAVING A GREAT TIME!!! You really don't even need photoshop do you? Because though a picture tells a thousand words, nine hundred and ninety nine of those words are lies.

Mona Sterling
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www.monasterling.posterous.com
www.monasterling.com

CD Review Fail

2010-09-02T09:35:00.001-07:00

So now that I'm palling around with Troy over at Innocent Words and doing some Dessert reviews for The Examiner, I was feeling all cocky. So I sent Troy an email and asked if I could do some CD reviews. Because I'm a musician and a writer and of COURSE I should be reviewing CD's. I'm a natural right? Well, not so much. Troy graciously sent me a few download links to listen to and review. So I went and listened. The first one was a re-release of an old album from the late 1960's. Right up my alley! I LOVE old music! But wait, this is not what I expected! Are they having SEX?! What are they talking about!?!?! It's all in French! I haven't spoken French since high school and even then I mostly knew how to cuss or how to ask what color your house was. Not very useful when listening to 1960's Bow Chicka Wow Wow spoken word. How the hell could I review this? I couldn't. Because all I could come up with was "oh. wow. huh. Oh?! huh." Not a great use of written word there.
The next album to review was by a local celebrity of sorts. I was fully prepared for this. It's perfect! I'll schmooze about the album, they'll thank me profusely for the awesome review and we'll be best buds. Before you know it we'll be collaborating on the next big local Seattle indie hit and hanging out all the time. The first song started and I grinned. I liked it! This is going well. The second song kept the energy. The third song had a cool bass line opening it! This was good!! The fourth song was..... like the first. And the second. And the third. Songs five through thirteen were.....just like the first four. By the fifth song I kind of hated them. By the seventh song I definitely hated them. By the thirteenth song I realized we would never be best friends because I could only come up with three nice things to say. Sigh. There go my musical aspirations to hang out with them and be the NEXT BIG THING.
So mostly I think I'll stick to desserts and other things where I won't hurt anyone's feelings. I mean, ice cream doesn't care if you don't like it, right? And to all you CD reviewers out there. I have new respect for you and the prolific adjectives you use to describe albums (including my own) that you may never listen to ever again. I don't know how you do it, but I'll eat an extra eclair in your honor.

Mona Sterling
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www.monasterling.blogspot.com
www.monasterling.com

Leaving the Dock

2010-09-01T18:29:00.001-07:00

I finally got to sail Jolly Roger Monday night. We had intended to go out on Sunday but we actually couldn't get crew so we did more cleaning instead. Monday turned out to be a lovely sunny day so we cobbled together a crew (thanks to Jill, Melinda and James!) and headed out. Capt. Dave is an expert on getting the boat out of the dock so that all went just fine. We motored out of Shilshole and I started learning what's what on the JR. I'm used to sailing on smaller, skinnier boats so this was a definite change. First of all, I need to hit the gym and build some biceps if I'm ever going to effectively help sail this sucker. Dave must have bought the sails filled with lead! They were incredibly heavy and took some good muscle to get moving. Second of all, wind really does help when trying to practice tacking and jibing. The night was warm and perfect. Perfectly wind-less that is. We bobbed along. Then we bobbed along backwards. Then we bobbed in place.
Though it was not good sailing, it WAS good for barbecuing and our crew had brought some good food, including fresh picked blueberries for dessert! Right as we turned to take down the mainsail the wind finally picked up. So we had ten seconds of good sailing before we went back to the dock. I tried to keep the cussing to a minimum and I think I only said "We're going to die" twice. That's not too shabby for me. Scott and Angela (who also own a Formosa down at Shilshole) were magically there when we arrived at the dock to help bring us in. I was able to successfully loop my line around the cleat and we were in. Just like that. Which is quite a feat considering the size and scope of Jolly Roger. It was a bit like parallel parking a full size Cadillac on Capitol Hill. But Dave pulled it off without even bumping the other car...err...boat.
Our next outing is coming up and I'm hoping it will be just as successful and maybe include a little bit of actual sailing. And maybe, just maybe, I'll remember my damn camera this time and be able to provide you with pictures.

Mona Sterling
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www.monasterling.blogspot.com
www.monasterling.com

Moving Day

2010-09-01T17:43:00.001-07:00

I'm moving my blog to a new home. Sort of. Maybe. If I like it. I haven't yet made it fancy but I kinda like the layout and I LOVE LOVE LOVE that I can post via email. I can also set other people up to post via their email (guest posts!!! Seriously?!!! How awesome would that be??). Plus if this works correctly this post will automatically post links on Facebook and Twitter. Just. Like. That. Ready?? Go!

Mona Sterling
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www.monasterling.blogspot.com
www.monasterling.com

The whine of the wine

2010-08-24T17:06:00.000-07:00
I'm throwing a big party. Think 150 people. On an island. For the whole weekend. So I need to keep them drunk. Or at least tipsy. That way they won't remember they're trapped on an island with me. Me, a microphone, a sound system and my i-pod. Which means MY play lists. Uh oh. Alcohol will be needed.

So I'm serving them beer and wine. The beer is pretty straightforward. Two kegs = 330 drinks. Done. Two kegs it is. The wine however is a different story. My first step in figuring out how much wine to get was to ask Google. Google sends me to a few catering websites where I frantically scribble down formulas. If my Aunt Mary has 3 drinks in 2.5 hours and the party is 8 hours and a bottle of wine has 5 drinks in it, how many bottles of wine do I need for Aunt Mary? I work out a formula and come up with what seems to be a reasonable number. We will get 130 bottles of wine.

Until we walk over to QFC to talk to the wine guy there, who looks shocked that we're only going to have 130 bottles of wine for the party. Another formula is scribbled out on his business card. This formula assumes that Aunt Mary is going to drink 3 drinks and then in a drunken stupor, forget where her half full glass is and grab another. Every time. Which means she'll need 2 extra bottles of wine. The number skyrockets to 260 bottles.

Next up, wine distributor guy. He has a totally different formula. He assumes Aunt Mary will have a few drinks and then will want to sober up to drive. That she'll nurse her third drink like a newborn baby (I have no idea what this means and I'm sorry for grossing y'all out. It just came out that way.) and only need 3 drinks for the entire evening. Plus, he points out, her sister is probably the designated driver and won't drink anything after 2pm. He also points out that of those 150 people some of them are children. Oh...children. Right. He gives us a third number.   72 bottles.

At this point I'm drunk (did I mention I was 'tasting' the wine with the wine distributor?) and numbers are just floating around randomly in my head. Not that numbers ever make much concrete sense to me, but this was really bad. I have NO idea how much wine to buy. I think about my friend and I sitting in our pajamas polishing off a bottle and a half. In an hour and a half. On a Tuesday night. If everyone drinks like us we won't have enough wine for even a few hours, much less a whole weekend even if we buy 260 bottles. Plus we'll need more ibuprofen for THAT kind of hangover.

We'll be deciding soon how much wine we need to bring. And also deciding the most awful, gut wrenching decision of how much red and how much white and which brands to purchase. Man, my life is HARD. I think I'll go open a bottle of wine. Just to try it, right?

Ohmigod ohmigod ohmigod!

2010-08-22T19:02:00.000-07:00
I may have peed a little when I wrote the title. Of course, if you read the summary you know this already. So we haven't even met and I've already mentioned peeing twice. Great. I'm off to a good start.
I am official now! Blogging on Innocent Words!! An ACTUAL legit online source. At least until Troy comes to his senses and pulls the plug on me. I figure I have at least as much of a chance as Happy the Dog of keeping this going. Of course, his life is infinitely more interesting than mine. When WAS the last time I chewed on a stick?
So I should introduce myself...cause after that I'm just going to be blogging away about random shit. And you probably want to know me before you CARE about the fact that I went to a Rennaisance Faire or that I love Colorado men. My name is Mona Sterling. Bad ass name huh? I was actually named after the song by Quicksilver. What?? You've never heard of it. For shame. Check it out. I will have to learn how to put links in here...if I can even do that.....Here's the link to the song Mona. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D79ujliNh4Q
And here's a picture of me. You can print it out and use it as a dartboard if you'd like. Or throw tomatoes at it. Or paste it inside your pee chee (if you know what that is. Don't tell me if you don't. I don't need to feel that old.)
I'm a singer and musician. From Seattle. No, I don't wear flannel....anymore. Or Doc Martens....anymore. I have a love affair with toast, Reality Television and Chuck Taylors. Oh yeah, I'm also a mommy. To the baddest little ass in town. Her name? Chuck Taylor. Seriously. I named my kid after my shoes. To save her from a life of merciless teasing (Chuck?? Ohhhh...that rhymes with my FAVORITE word!) I did make her legal name Charlotte. And then I nicknamed her Turtle. Because if she's not named Chuck I must humiliate her in some other way. I'm the mom. It's the rules.
I can't wait to share my most inappropriate moments with you! I just KNOW we'll get along famously.
xoxo
mona

p.s. go to www.innocentwords.com to check out this blog on THEIR website. The two will be linked up from here on out so it will make more sense. But aren't you glad I introduced myself? Ha!

Shameless Promotion

2010-08-22T10:04:00.000-07:00
I have an album. You might like it. You can find it here. You can also find it on i-Tunes and Amazon. A dude I met on a plane said I was totally 'legit'. Of course, he was from Colorado so I'm not really sure what he meant by 'legit'. Take a listen and you can decide for yourself.

I'm not Dead, I'm just shopping at Costco

2010-08-21T17:47:00.000-07:00
Seriously. This place can swallow you whole. I think they also pump something into the air that makes you think you need things in bulk. We'll never have to buy granola bars ever again. Oh look. Mayonnaise! In five gallon tubs!! We need that!!! Ohhhhhh, bulk ibuprofen. Look at that! It's a toaster oven! A washing machine! A casket! Wait....what??? A Casket??? Yes, folks. You can now buy your casket at Costco.

Happy shopping.

Ren faire

2010-08-17T22:19:00.000-07:00
Dear misfits, outcasts and strong supporters of Renaissance Faires,

I owe you all an apology. For years I made fun of you. You were right up there with Science Fiction Conventions (sorry Trekkies!) for me. Yes, I thought you were a bunch of weirdos. And I sort of still do. But here's the rub. I went to a Ren Faire last weekend. And had fun. Gasp. Seriously. It was a good time. True, I got called M'lady all day and I snickered every single time. However, it was also a place full of friendly folks. Everyone said hello m'lady. Good day to you m'lady. I like your tattoo m'lady. And they were all so genuine! And friendly! And nobody was hipster. Or indie. Or moody. Or snotty. And the singers were singing songs where the audience yelled stuff back at them. Which reminded me fondly of Rocky Horror Picture Show. I'm not sure how come I thought RHPS was cooler than Ren Faires and Sci Fi Cons but I did. Maybe it was because RHPS had Tim Curry.

Anyway, I also learned I'm miserable about photo documenting. Otherwise I would have taken a picture of the most awesome thing I saw that day. It was a lady dressed like a tavern wench complete with low cut blouse carrying a basket. A basket full of pickles on ice. And she walked around all day yelling "Pickles! The best pickles you ever had! Ice cold pickles!" and she would put the dollar bills in her blouse where they would peek out like a strippers tips. Why oh why did I not take a picture of this? And did they really do this back in the day? This is a street vendor I think we need to bring back. We need someone in downtown Seattle selling pickles. Ice cold pickles. Mmmm.

So I'm totally gonna go to another one some day. And I'm totally gonna take the Pickle Lady's picture. I'm pretty sure I'll buy a pickle too. In the meantime I leave you with the one decent picture I did get of this guy on his incredible spastic horse. It was super fun seeing guys ride the crap out of their horses in English tack with swords. In fact, it was downright hot. So here's the Ren Faire hottie on his Ren Faire pony. Please accept my apologies Mr. Ren Faire hottie for thinking that all people at Ren Faires were strange. Well, you might be strange but I would totally make out with you. As long as we made out on your pony. 'Cause that's totally hot.

xoxo
mona

A Very Merry UnBirthday

2010-08-12T08:58:00.000-07:00
Turtle made a wish on her eyelash wishing it was her birthday. Does anyone else do this? When an eyelash falls out you put it on your fingertip, make a wish and blow it off. Anyway, she wanted it to be her birthday. Which, since her birthday is in May, is not going to happen for a very long time.

We have been taste testing various store's cakes for our wedding and found adorable torte cakes at QFC. So I bought one to try. And found a "4" candle that we had forgotten to use for her actual birthday. And 'voila', Turtle's wish came true. Of course, this birthday didn't come with presents. Sorry Turtle. Un-birthdays are for cake only. I'm pretty sure it's my unbirthday today and probably YOUR unbirthday tomorrow. So we'll need more cake......

Happy UnBirthday Turtle!

Up and Down Up and Down

2010-08-06T09:26:00.000-07:00
Broken scale + obsessive compulsive weigher = shouting "WTF you motherf***er?!?" first thing in the morning.

I have changed my diet in the past few months and actually started to workout semi-regularly. So I've wanted to keep track of my weight. And then once I started weighing myself I got a wee bit obsessed. I think it's mostly curiosity. How much less do I weigh after I pee? (in the morning about 1/2 a pound) After I drink a bottle of wine how much more do I weigh? (2 pounds) How about if I add some cake on that? (doesn't add instantly) And a burrito? (nothing instant) Does your weight change after you take a shower? (Mine goes down by almost 1/2 pound). Obviously I need professional help.

I have mostly been able to obsess quietly and privately but then my scale decided to stick it to me. Granted, the scale is kind of old. How old? I have no idea. It was inherited from an ex boyfriend. Yes, it looks like it might take batteries ,but who has time to check that? It also looks like it might involve a screwdriver to even check. Waaaay too much work.
So yesterday I go to weigh myself before bed (I lose 1-2lbs during the night in case you wondered) and the scale gives me an AMAZING number. I step off and back on. SAME AMAZING NUMBER! Even though I've had wine all week and cake and rolls and haven't exercised AT ALL. I AM AMAZING!! I check it four or five times. Same number. Then I realize I have to pee and holy crap I should weigh myself after I pee because now my AMAZING number will get EVEN SMALLER!!! When I step back on the scale apres-pee I have gained five pounds. Huh? Wha? I step on and off and on and off. I walk away and then get back on. Now I've gained six pounds. WHAT THE F**KITY F**K!!

Now I get two weights whenever I go to use the scale. The first one is the weight that maybe I could be if I stopped drinking a bottle of wine a night and exercised more than once every other week. The weight I could be if I told cake to take a hike. After I've gotten all excited and finally bought the scale's story that I really am that thin now, my scale slaps me back to reality with what I *really* weigh. Thanks, scale. Thanks a lot.

Land of Giant Containers

2010-08-04T21:23:00.000-07:00
Otherwise known as Costco. Yep, I bought my very first Costco membership today. Did you know that Costco only takes cash, debit or American Express? How much do you think AmEx put out for THAT deal? Hooowheee. To be the ONLY credit card that Costco accepts?

I feel guilty shopping at Costco. It's kind of everything I don't want to be. It's the anti farmers market. The anti local. It's giant carts and often giant people and kids running and yelling and parents yelling and so much to look at and free samples and long aisles and AAAAAHHHHHHH. And there's nobody there to make me feel bad that I left my reusable shopping bag in the car. In fact, nobody cares. And then you have to have the door person check the stuff in your cart as you leave which just feels demeaning. I'm surprised they don't ask you to open your coat to check that too. Or maybe they do in winter. I'll have to see.

Still, the deals are phenomenal and when you're looking to feed 120 people on a budget, Costco is still the way to go. So I bought a lasagna which I'll be testing out in the next week and a giant bag of compostable plates (check it OUT! Compostable plates! They do have something of value at Costco!!). If the lasagna doesn't taste like cardboard I'll go back again. And if it DOES taste like cardboard I'll buy a large bottle of Costco wine to go with it and I'll STILL go back. A budget is a budget folks.

B.I.N.G.O.

2010-08-01T22:38:00.000-07:00

And Bingo was his name-oh.

I went to Bingo/Karaoke at the Greenwood Senior Center last night. It's insane. It's a mixture of old and young (though all over 21) but they all have one thing in common. They love them some bingo and sing alongs. The karaoke was less about getting up on stage and much more about everybody singing along and sometimes dancing in the aisles. I got a little video on my phone of it, but since it's not an i-phone (why oh why do I not have an i-phone yet? Please God send me an i-phone.) I can't get the video to upload to my Mac. So you'll have to take my word for it. It was a crazy scene. Before the bingo even started you had to yell to talk to people. It was like 1am Saturday night in a packed bar.

I sat with a great group of people ready to BINGO. Someone from our table won the very first game! Sadly, this was not setting the tone for us, but rather us blowing our wad at the beginning of the night. Still, with enough alcohol and deep fried foods (tator tots! tator tots!!) it hardly mattered if we won any money or not. It was just a good time. And something I plan on doing again next month. If I think enough people are interested I will captain a table so we can all sit together. Be prepared to do a lot of yelling.

If you've never gone, I don't want to ruin all the surprises for you but you need to reserve your space online ahead of time. And this is NOT your mother's senior center.   These seniors could kick your ass, steal your bingo card, drop a few F bombs and then get up on stage and rock the shit out of Under the Boardwalk.

Excuse Me Girlie

2010-07-31T14:58:00.000-07:00
To the drop dead gorgeous size 0 twenty two year old dancer in my jazzercise class. Could you please cover your incredibly long, naturally bronze legs that have no jiggle in them even when doing high kicks? And could you wear a baggy t-shirt so I don't have to enviously check out your long slender dancer's torso? Or at the very least, could you sweat buckets? Or have stinky feet? Or look bitchy? Or have bad skin? I'll be back on Saturday and we can discuss what your flaws are. 'Cause from my vantage point you don't seem to have any and I'm green with envy.

Thanks.
From the incredibly sweaty, possibly jealous and bitter, red faced blonde lady wheezing behind you while trying not to run into people when I do my bad dance moves.

Please Sir, May I have Another

2010-07-29T16:34:00.000-07:00
Yesterday I went to Blue Fin Sushi. It was my first time. I'm not a huge sushi fanatic so I can't really speak to the quality of the sushi. I've had both super expensive sushi and not so expensive sushi and for me, cover it with enough wasabi and soy sauce and it's all good. The 'amazing food' is not what I want to tell you about. What I want to tell about is the buffet. BUFFET! Yes, I really just said buffet. Can you stand it?

When I was a kid my very favorite restaurant was The Royal Fork. It was a buffet. All you can eat. The food selections were usually standard american fare like fried chicken, mashed potatoes, corn and the likes. Blue Fin Sushi is like the Asian version of The Royal Fork. There were different kinds of soups, orange chicken, sweet and sour pork, yakisoba, tofu, garden salad, asian salad, teriyaki, gyoza and about a hundred other things that I couldn't quite fit in my stomach. And oh yeah, there was a metric ton of sushi and rolls. Not much of the unusual variety (my friend Jon took me for my first time eating sushi and ordered squid and all sorts of exotic/disgusting things. By the way, exotic in food land really usually means gross.) but there was lots of raw fish and some really good American style sushi rolls (bacon? bacon!).

So there we were stuffing our faces with our second plate of buffet (I'm not naming my friend to protect the innocent but we bingers stick together!) when I realized I was slowing down and getting full. I had one bite left on my plate of yummy orange chicken and instead of doing the sensible thing (stop eating maybe?) I say to my friend, "Quick, stuff the last bite in and let's go hit the dessert buffet before my stomach knows it's full." I have a word of advice for any of you planning a visit to Blue Fin. Wear pants with elastic and avoid the green dessert cake.

Hi Latvians!

2010-07-24T07:07:00.000-07:00
I just found the "Stats" tab of this blog. Yes, yes it took me that long to actually go look at something like that. But but howdy was it interesting! Turns out this week I'm popular in Latvia! Or at least that's what my Stats are telling me. That more people from Latvia than from the U.S. were reading this last week. Maybe in Latvia they are fascinated with Colorado. Who knows. But if you are one of the folks from Latvia I would love to know who you are and how you came to read this blog. So please, say hello!

The other interesting thing is that I still get a fair amount of traffic from my website. A website I have been hideously bad at updating. A website I HATE updating. A website that maybe I should show a little love to now that I know people are still going to it. Especially people from Latvia.

Oh Colorado

2010-07-21T20:18:00.000-07:00
Oh Colorado-

I'm kind of in love with you. Or at least have a crush on you. Your blue skies. Your fluffy clouds. The pianos lining the downtown streets of Denver. The thunderstorms that are over in 10 minutes. Your friendly people. Oh yes, your friendly, friendly people.

Colorado, you make my head swell. Coming from a city like Seattle where no one looks at you much less TALKS to you, Colorado you were a refreshing change. I have never been checked out so many times. Smiled at so openly. And by good looking guys! Of course, I'm from Seattle so I avoided eye contact with all of you but I want to thank you anyways and next time I'll smile back. Promise.

And just to make sure I didn't forget you, Colorado and to make sure I would recommend you to all my girlfriends, you sent one of your charming residents to sit next to me on the plane. And openly flirt with me. I had forgotten what that was like (seriously Seattle get your act together and learn how to flirt with girls) and it was good. Plus he was not only hot but talented too. And since I KNOW how hard it is to market your art (yeah, heard much about my album lately??) I thought I would post his link. If you need some art you should totally buy it from this dude. And thanks Dacques for making what could have been an unbearably panicky plane ride into something fun. Also, I apologize for any weird topics (I may or may not have brought up Furries) but in my defense I was completely wasted on valium.

Let's Get Physical

2010-07-14T19:12:00.000-07:00
I'm not even kidding. I've taken up jazzercise. And you know what? It's kicking my ass. It's not that it's just a workout and that it's hard (though seriously people, it's HARD), it's that there's dancing involved. Oh sure, it sounds like a fun idea. But then you're there and you're sweating and panting and trying to make your feet move and your arms move and your shoulders move and 'Are we having a good time yet?' and now kick and sashay and keep those abs tight and don't forget your arms and triplet and kick and..and...and....and there I am in the back row tripping over my feet and trying not to slip on my own sweat. Phew. Exhausting. Followed up by weights and crunches in case we weren't exhausted enough.

I went back for seconds. And I'll be signing up for the regular classes. Because I want to get those dance moves down. Also, the woman next to me barely broke a sweat and she was at least 70. If I hadn't been so exhausted I probably would have been embarrassed. Also I want to see if the instructors can REALLY maintain all that peppiness. At the very least I'll be the crazy sweaty girl in back flipping them off when they ask 'Are we having fun?'. Good workout? Hell yes. Fun? Well, if that's your idea of fun then we probably shouldn't hang out. Really.

Allergy Update

2010-07-13T08:23:00.000-07:00
So I've been in Colorado for a few days and I just realized something. I haven't coughed. Not even once. No morning hacking. No sore throat. No "omigod I think I'm getting sick". No ringing ears. Sigh.

So there are two possibilities.
1. I am allergic to the place I live. Though my ears had been giving me problems for a few years, the constant sore throats, coughing and general un-wellness started when I moved to Redmond. I know, poor Redmond. Such an easy scapegoat! But seriously, maybe there's something in the walls. I'm not super messy, we have mostly hardwood floors and I vacuum every other day. It would suck to be allergic to our house because there aren't very many spiders there. And that has turned out to be the BEST THING EVER.

2. I am allergic to the NW. Which is also a distinct possibility. But how do I find out which it is? When I went to the allergist two years ago (back when I had health insurance) I showed positive for dogs, cats and dust mites. I had mild reactions to some trees and grasses but nothing that warranted concern. Plus, if I'm allergic to my house then of course I'm going to feel crappy most of the time because I spend a fair amount of time at my house!

I do all the things you should do if you have allergies. I use HEPA filters, change them often, dust the shit out of everything, don't keep lots of knick knacks...blah blah blah. So now what? Move to Colorado?? I feel so much better that at this exact moment I'm seriously considering it. Though I'd have to trade in my shoe collection for TEVA's and I'm not sure I'm ready to do that yet...

Insert Title Here

2010-07-08T17:10:00.000-07:00
It has come to my attention that since I did not win the blogging contest (not because I'm not an awesome blogger 'cause I totally am, but because I didn't really make much progress as a musician. I mean, I STILL haven't put together a goddamn band) I need a new title for my blog. Maybe something like "Nine months to Fame and Fortune" or "Nine Years to Fame and Fortune" ....or maybe something new altogether. Since I'm just blogging randomly about my random life there isn't much of a theme here. So help me out people. Give me your best shot for a new blog name. One that is intriguing, exciting, inspires people to read it!

And since I know pictures are always appreciated, here are a few gems from my current vacation in Carbondale Colorado. Turtle and I jumping on the bed at our hotel and hanging out in Georgetown, a cool old town in the Colorado mountains.

Like Buttah

2010-06-29T08:25:00.000-07:00
Turtle, my mom, my sister and I went for a few days to Lake Chelan to try and find some sunshine (which we did!). It's about a three and a half hour drive to Chelan. Turtle had been sick (still!!!) and I was up all night with her coughing and her fever spiking so when it came time to pack I was a little out of it. I just threw things into suitcases.

About an hour into the trip I realized I had forgotten some things.

Me: Damn, I forgot the stroller.
Mom: That's okay, we'll carry her.
Me: Damn I forgot her floatie thing for the pool!!
Mom: That's okay, we'll buy her a new one.
Me: Argh! I forgot underwear! UNDERWEAR! WTF?!?!
Mom: That's okay, you can buy new ones.

Then we cycled through all the stuff we DID bring so I could feel better and my mom pipes up with this gem which pretty accurately describes how my family thinks.

"I brought a stick of butter. Just in case."

Hot Blooded (Check it and See)

2010-06-22T07:16:00.000-07:00
Turtle has the flu, complete with high fever and gnarly cough. This flu is riding in on the coattails of her last flu. She was still coughing from the last flu when this one settled in with even nastier coughing. As a preschooler, she brings home every sickness, every cold, every bug. And as a mommy I seem to share everything with her. Probably has something to do with how when she's sick she clings to me like a monkey and sneezes and coughs in my face. Maybe I need to rock the Michael Jackson mask! It's frustrating though to be a singer and to be constantly sick. I have had more sore throats this last year than I have in the last twenty years combined. It's ridiculous.

On a good note, I had a show with 80's Invasion this past weekend that was super fun. I have really turned the corner from having anxiety about shows to just having excitement. It's a nice change and has made doing the shows just plain old fun. Now it's less like the sweaty excitement of jumping out of an airplane ('oh god I'm gonna die! am i gonna die? thank you god i didn't die!!) and more the excitement of a chocolate cake (at least for me. Chocolate cake carries a fair amount of excitement with very little chance of immediate death.)

I have more to say later about finally 'moving in' to the place I live but Turtle is calling me from the living room to come snuggle with her. And though she's a feverish, hot mess who will undoubtedly cough in my face I can't resist a good snuggle.

Chasing My Tail

2010-06-04T09:24:00.000-07:00
I got a review from Innocent Words magazine. You can read about it here. It was pretty spot on and kind of how I feel about my album. Don't get me wrong, I'm proud as shit about this album. It took me a long time to make it and was made during one of THE most difficult periods of my adult life. Probably also the most difficult period of my entire life, but I don't want to discount first grade where I was allergic to milk and wheat and had to go to school with lunches of rice cake sandwiches and goats milk. Nobody wanted to trade with me. Nobody.

So I STILL haven't put together a band to support this album. I have offers from musicians. I have friends willing to pitch in. What the hell am I waiting for? I think it's that I need to decide what sound I'm going for and I haven't quite figured that out. It seems like the general consensus is that I need to ROCK. But what does that sound like? I'm not a big heavy metal fan. Evanescense? No thanks. Not my thing. I'm angry, not mopey. But I want to sing it, not scream it. And I want it to be musical! And what about my love of all things synthesizer (Depeche Mode!) or all things piano (Fiona Apple! Tori Amos!). Where do those things fit in?

I'm in endless circles. So to keep myself from exploding, I have simply stopped thinking about it. And my house has never been so clean and organized. There's nothing like procrastination. I have been known to deep clean the toilet to avoid doing something I'm afraid of doing.

Here's the part where you tell me what to do. Bonus points if you make a list, spreadsheet or call it 'life coaching'.

I will leave you with a picture of me reading about conscious eating and avoiding thinking about music.

xoxo
mona

No Wheat? No problem!

2010-05-27T09:45:00.000-07:00
So it's been a few weeks since I've had any wheat. And it hasn't changed my allergy symptoms at all. I've also added dairy back in. No change with that either. I have cut out all sugar including honey and have added in prolific amounts of fruits and vegetables. I am no longer eating processed foods out of boxes. And yet...no change in the ear. It still feels full of fluid sometimes. Still hurts sometimes. Sigh.

On the bright side I have lost some weight and generally have more energy and feel better. So that's a nice side effect. I'm at a loss for what to do about my ear though. It has been diagnosed as 'inner ear inflammation' caused by allergies, but which allergies. I no longer have a dog, I dust the living bejeesus out of my house, vacuum often and have leather furniture and hardwood floors. What now???!!!

I'm out of ideas. You got any?

Birthday Girl

2010-05-20T13:11:00.000-07:00
Happy birthday Turtle. Officially 4 years old today as of 12:10 a.m. We went out to breakfast where she asked me "Now that I'm 4 can I have coffee?". Uh...no. Now had she asked for whiskey? That's a different question. I mean, nobody wants a caffeinated 4 year old but a drunk one? Hilarious. To celebrate her birthday I'm letting her watch the My Little Pony movie....again.

Letter to Bread

2010-05-11T08:23:00.000-07:00
Oh bread. I love you. Your doughy, wheaty taste. Slathered with butter. Or jam. Or peanut butter. Or honey. Dipped in hot chocolate. Covered with tuna fish and melted cheese. I love dipping you in sauces and soups. I love you as toast. As rolls. As buns. Whole grain. Wonder bread. Sourdough. Rye. I have never met a bread I didn't like. In fact, I have fallen in love with every bread I've met.

I'm sorry I haven't called. I haven't written. I have gazed longingly at you in the supermarket. I have even inhaled your heady, bready scent when I make Turtle's lunch in the morning. I think this break is good for us, bread. I need to figure out what role you play in my life. I'm pretty sure that we're not meant to be lovers anymore (uh...did I just take this too far???) but I think we can be friends. Or at least when we run into each other on the street let's not make it awkward. We can get along if we try. We'll just meet up for drinks now and then. And maybe occasionally we'll get drunk, remember the good ol' times and possibly even hook up. And even if I regret it in the morning, bread, it's nothing personal. It's not you, it's me.

xoxo
mona

Friday Night or Saturday Morning?

2010-04-30T11:57:00.000-07:00
After finding the bar napkin in Turtle's room, she woke up looking like this. Hair like this is usually the sign of a late night. And the look on her face clearly says "I have whiskey breath and I might be drunk still." Oh preschoolers. You're such a rowdy bunch.

Someone's Been Hitting the Bars

2010-04-25T14:09:00.000-07:00

I cleaned Turtle's room yesterday and found this.   Is it strange to find a crumpled bar napkin in your three year old's room? This is probably how juvenile delinquents start. One minute they're saying they want a cookie and the next they're sneaking out to the bars and leaving Camel cigarette napkins in their room.

On a Slightly Smaller Scale

2010-04-22T09:02:00.000-07:00
I started trying again to resolve some allergy issues. Starting with cutting out dairy. And learned something important that I will now share with you. Trader Joe's Chocolate Vanilla Cream Cookies (fake Oreos) don't have dairy. Ha! Take THAT detox.

Bon Voyage Baby

2010-04-19T18:04:00.000-07:00
My partner in crime leaves tomorrow for his epic journey across the ocean. He's sailing from Mexico to Hawaii in his 47ft sailboat. This week has been pretty stressful for both of us and it got me thinking about epic adventures. Maybe that's what I'm missing in my life. An epic adventure. I know I don't want to cross the ocean though (hello Jaws) so what then? I think epic adventures are made up of excitement, some danger, new things, doing things maybe you thought you couldn't do and a healthy dose of mild fear. I mean, you've gotta be a little scared or it's not an epic adventure. Maybe challenged would be a better word. So I've been racking my brains trying to come up with an epic adventure that I could go on. And then I remembered. I have one.

Because if parenthood isn't the ultimate epic adventure, I don't know what is.

I didn't fall of the wagon, I DOVE off the wagon

2010-04-12T08:10:00.000-07:00

First let me start with a picture of the meal I ate for three days in a row. And it was delicious EVERY time. I wonder how long it would take me to get sick of this. It's roasted broccoli (thanks Chelsea for the link!) and sweet potatoes. So, so so good.

But nothing like the meal I had at Teatro Zin Zanni. Those of you who haven't been or don't know what I'm talking about, Teatro Zin Zanni is a dinner theater experience. 3 1/2 hours of food, wine and interactive theater. Totally fun. However, a six course meal with a wine flight can really derail a girl's detox.

So it's Monday morning now and I'm ready to start getting back on track with this thing. BUT with a few modifications. My sweetie is leaving for at least a month on an epic sailing adventure. He leaves next week. I don't want to spend this last week with him alternately crying and yelling because I'm detoxing. So I'm probably going to modify it this week to gently ease into it. I also am open to the idea that I may not have the fortitude for a cleanse this strong. I probably could have done it pre-child, but now that I have to keep myself even keel it makes it much harder. Patience is a struggle for me and patience when I'm also STARVING is practically non-existent.

It's a total learning experience though and I will figure something out for sure. Broccoli and sweet potatoes, here I come!

Epic Easter Cake Fail

2010-04-05T18:07:00.000-07:00
Somewhere in my hunger addled brain, I got the brilliant idea of making a fancy easter cake with filling and frosting....from scratch. Even though I couldn't eat it, I thought it would be a nice thing to bring for Easter dinner at my parent's house. To give you an idea of my mad cooking skills my best dish is toast. Burnt toast. Okay, I can also make a decent meatloaf. Especially if you like burnt crust meatloaf. You get the picture. So the good news is I didn't burn the cake. That's about the only good news.

Here's what the Easter cake should have been. A yellow cake with custard filling and maraschino cherries and vanilla buttercream frosting with coconut and a hint of cherry juice. Totally fantastic. And from what I've heard, the cake actually doesn't taste half bad.   Somewhere along the line though it just didn't work out. It could be that our blender sucks ass for making cakes (it has two speeds, high and super high). It could be that I didn't let the cake cool long enough (patience and me are NOT bosom buddies). It could be that somewhere along the line I read an ingredient wrong. Who knows. But when I went to frost it and stack it, the whole thing just crumbled.

And now presenting my first and only Easter Cake. Looks tasty eh?

Food! Glorious Food!

2010-04-03T19:29:00.000-07:00
I won't post a picture of a gnarly green smoothie today. Mostly because I couldn't do it. I made it through two whole smoothies yesterday and on the third one I choked. Literally. It was NOT going to go down. The smoothie and I had a standoff. I tried plugging my nose. I tried sipping. I tried adding in an extra pear. It wasn't happening. So today at 3pm, after only having had an apple and a pear to eat I caved in and started Phase 1. Which means I had THE MOST AMAZING DINNER EVER!! Broccoli sauteed in olive oil with garlic and sweet potatoes roasted with olive oil and rosemary. Oh, sweet sweet food. How I missed you.

No change yet in my symptoms but it's early still.

Tomorrow I will tell you the story of my Easter Cake (because for some reason when you can't eat anything, you really want to create beautiful yummy food for others) and will show you the grisly pictures.

Experiments in Food

2010-04-02T08:59:00.000-07:00
I will save you the boring details, but for the last few years I have not been entirely well. So today I have decided to take matters into my own hands. Western medicine has me loaded up on pills and inhalers and even one inhaler where the possible side effect is 'death from asthma'. WTF?! Are you kidding me? No, no they're not kidding.

So obviously as a singer I need to be able to breathe and hear and not cough and all those functions you take for granted until they're compromised. So starting today I am doing a total elimination diet. What this means is for the next month my diet will be severely limited. After about a month I will start to add in 'possible allergens' one food at a time. Of course, there is also the chance that what I have has NOTHING to do with food and it won't make a damn bit of difference. But a girl's gotta try. Oh, and for those of you that are worried that I'm doing some sort of crackpot thing, I'm doing an elimination diet that my dad who is a Naturopathic Doctor recommends. Okay, maybe that doesn't help your crackpot worries. Hahahaha.

So I'm going to bring y'all along on this journey with me. Because you never know. Maybe it will help someone else. Plus I'll have more people to bitch to. Because starting today I'm off coffee. Gasp! It's true. No caffeine in fact. For the next two days, here's what I can eat. Looks good doesn't it? It's a smoothie (it pains me to even call it that since there are no yummie strawberries or bananas or yogurt in this) made out of kale, lettuce, apple, pear and parsley. Mmmmmm. Goooood moooorning. So I'll be downing these whenever I'm hungry and drinking a lot of water. I already had my first smoothie and I will just say that I'm sure as I get hungrier, they will taste better. At least that's what I'm hoping for......

Many Mikes

2010-03-23T19:29:00.000-07:00

I sing in an 80's cover band that covers things like Til Tuesday, Yaz and other awesome synthesizer-y songs (I know there's a better way to describe this genre but I'll be damned if I know it). It's a pretty fun gig and the guys in the band are great. But if you know me, you know I LOVE LOVE LOVE all kinds of music (hello! Opera!), so I'm thrilled to be singing with another band as well.

This band covers more of the rock and roll side of things. Less glam and more grit. I get to belt and growl and yelp....okay, maybe not yelping. I get to be angry and passionate and a little bit crazy. And, quite possibly my favorite part of this band, BOTH the guitarists are named Mike. I know! How awesome is that? 'Cause y'all know how bad I am with names. Now if I could just get the rest of the boys in the band to change their names to Mike I would never stumble again!

We're practicing right now but should be playing out in the next couple of months. So for my fans who just aren't feeling the 80's vibe, you will soon be able to come out for something completely different. And lest you worry that I'm not doing enough Mona Sterling original stuff, I am working up my set list and will be talking to my OWN band soon! Or maybe I'll open for one of my cover bands. Either way, we'll have a good time. Right?

All You Need Is Love

2010-03-14T09:02:00.000-07:00

I work continually to keep my mind and my heart open about this whole process. I know that it's easy to think that I need to WORK HARDER or WORK SMARTER. WORK! WORK! WORK! Sometimes, though, you need to just put your stuff out there and let go of the outcome. I'm not saying that you shouldn't work, but if it's that hard and feels that bad then maybe you should give it a rest. That's what I did this week. I gave it a rest. I kept up with my guitar lessons. I listened to music I love. I fell back in love with singing. And in the meantime, I gained new fans. Yep. New Fans.

I think it's that magical combination of doing the work and then letting go of it. I quit trying to force myself to say the right things, take the right steps, do it exactly perfect. I quit feeling like a failure for not getting enough fans. Or the right fans. Or as many fans as the next gal. I just let it be and got back to the whole point. I LOVE doing music. I found that magical place where in the middle of a song you look up at the clock and you're missing an hour (and NO, it wasn't 'cause of daylight savings). And somewhere in the middle of this magical, I started inching my way towards my goals. The lesson? Keep moving, but also keep returning to the part you love because if you're plugged into THAT the rest comes easy.